How many cartographers do I have to execute before they get the galactic map right? Anyway, all the real Klackon colonies will be destroyed soon. And then those worlds will be mine, mine, mine!!! Oh, and I should probably attack the Mrrshans and their other evil alien allies someday, but I can worry about that later.
2376: The bugs plant a colony at Drakka, in the far southwest corner of the galaxy. I'll ignore it for now because it's far away. But the GNN droid comes back ... and it still believes the Klackon lies!!! Not only does it claim they have 12 star systems, it convenes a high council election that pits them against the Humans! I of course vote for Alexander the Monkey with all four of my votes, but then I realize something terrifying! I forgot about the galactic alien conspiracy!!! They'll probably all vote for Alexander, and then he'll kill us all and then torture us and then enslave us! The Bulrathi abstain with their three votes, but Alexaner casts five for himself, and he only needs five more to win! Prrsha abstains with her three votes - ha! I'll bet I tricked her into doing that by voting for him myself! (Except, wait, don't I have more votes than ... never mind!) - but the lizards give him their 2, and the Klackons have four votes! NoooooooooOOOOOooooO! That's as many as me! Wait, they abstained, though. They even looked relieved. In fact, they just called up Prrsha to more than double their trade agreement, as if to reward her for abstaining. Ummmm ... ummmmmmm ... well, it's all part of the conspiracy!
2377: That council was stupid. I should have been nominated! The Meklar are clearly superior to all other races in the galaxy. Just compare our technology to the stupid Klackons'!
I highlighted all the things we know that they don't even claim to. As you can see, we're way better than them at everything. The screen doesn't show what they know that we don't, but that's just the Hand Lasers and minor terraforming the Mrrshans traded them because of their giant conspiracy. Obviously they don't really have "nuclear engines" or a "deep space scanner," which are things they just made up, and obviously they don't have any controlled environmental tech better than Barren because that's impossible. Also, I'm pretty sure I'm at war with the Sakkra; just about everyone has been a Mrrshan ally at one time or another, and joined Prrsha's war with me. It's just that I ran out of room to list all my enemies. I told you there's a galaxy-wide conspiracy against me! It is absolutely not a self-fulfilling prophecy! It also has nothing to do with the Klackons making a "strategic move" to rush to "Controlled Tundra" and settle toward the heart of the galaxy. Their strategists had some kind of convoluted argument about this giving them contact with Prrsha before I met her, and the Mrrshans having contact with everybody because of their strategic central location, and something-something-response-to-my-early-war-declaration-something. Bah! That whole argument collapses because living on tundra planets is physically impossible and bugs are stupid and evil, die, die, die!!!
Oh, also the bears must have some new range technology because Smurch just met the insects and agreed to trade 150 BC per year and ECM Jammer Mark I for Improved Industrial Tech 9. Which the bugs only pretended to research. It's a conspiracy.
2379-81: Yesssssss! Cosmic payback time! Eat this, evil bugs!
Ryoun, their closest star to me, is going nova in 12 years, and they have no good way of even generating reserves to save it! It's the perfect distraction! While all the Klackons on Ryoun are scurrying around stocking up on canned food and preparing for doomsday - that's what I'd be doing if Meklon's sun were about to go nova, anyway - I'll gather a fleet at Tyr, and send it in to sneak-attack them from just two parsecs away! They try scrapping all their Scout 1.0s (Yes! So much for those Evil Nastiness Beams!) and establishing a galaxy-wide "save-Ryoun" tax ... but it won't do them any good! I send in a colony ship ... and my huge Devastator! Maybe they can save the planet from the nova, and maybe they can save it from me, but they can't do both at once!!! Bwa-hahahahahahahaha!!! This will show them!
(Don't talk to me about their new colony up at Xendalla; I don't want to hear it, okay?)
2383: Bwa-hahahahahahaha!!! My plan worked! They were so busy trying to save the colony from its star's explosion, it stalled the development of its space defense! Our dreadnought wins the battle! I dispatch transports from Tyr right away, and bomb Ryoun from orbit! A million insects die under our guns! A million! Bwa-hahahahahaha! Die, insects! Die!!!
2384: No fair! The bugs cheated!
They barely even outnumbered us on the planet's surface after we bombed them again, and they don't have any ground combat technology that we don't except hand lasers, and defending your home territory isn't any advantage when you're a non-intelligent evil bug, but they still won the fight, and have millions and millions of survivors! They obviously cheated by using their fancy weapons and knowledge of the lay of the land. That's not fair! They should have to fight with a level playing field! Besides, how come they have hand lasers and we don't when they're the lowest-tech species in the galaxy? Just ask the News Droid! (It's obviously wrong about the Humans having better technology than me though.) That's it! I'm sending more troops from Tyr, right away!
2385: Good! This time, everything is much more fair! My troops outnumber them three to two ... well, almost ... and they obviously learned their lesson about cheating because in spite of their hand lasers and defensive fortifications, my troopers kill more of them than they kill of ours! (OOC NOTE: !!!!!!!) Ryoun is taken!!! Too bad it doesn't have any factories. Stupid non-factory-building-anywhere RBO-15! That's it! I send my Devastator and colony ship straight to Esper, their oldest colony outside of Kholdan! We're going to make the evil ones pay for being evil! Boo evil insects! Yay good machines!
2387-8: The bugs respond to my obvious superiority and winning by telling more lies, as usual!
If they have any sublight drives, it's because they totally stole them from us, not because of actually researching them, and obviously duralloy armor doesn't really exist. Their lies won't save them when our death ship hits Esper! They also can't have colonized rich Argus way up in the nortwest because, duh, it's a dead world, and that means nothing can live there. Pretty obvious, isn't it? Anyway, now they want us to believe they're researching Fusion Drives "instead of a Pulsar or Irridium," two things that also don't exist, because they "love strategic speed," which is only true if "strategic speed" is code for "evil things." They babble on about how fusion drives is a key tech and once they get it, they can backtrack for whatever else they need, but this is obviously a pack of lies because they're stupid bugs and they can't research anything anyway! Well, it's time to put their lies to the test! Next year my Devastator and Colony Ship attack Esper! Let's see if their so-called "duralloy" can protect them from that!
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Next: Conclusion?
