Secretary General of the United Nations: Whatever shall we do? We're going to look like fools, showing up at the pan-galactic jubilee party with no gifts to brag about giving!
Faceless Advisor: It is indeed a great tragedy. Why, in just ... wait! Look! It's a curiously unarmed Yehat Terminator fighter, decked out in festive holiday lights! Can it be? Dare we hope?
SGotUN: It is! The Spirit of Giving!
FA: And his copilot, Refwhatsit! Giving's copilot, that is, and co-owner of the Spirit! We're saved!
Ref: The pun was bad enough before you explained it, Faceless Advisor!
FA: But ... wait, how do you know my name?
Captain Giving: All will be revealed in due time! Unless we forget! Now, let's get to work! There are gifts to be made!
2305
SGotUN: You guys have been ruling us half a decade, and what do we have to show for it? True, there's our new colony at Zhardan, but a whole fortieth of the time before the jubilee has passed, and we haven't even begun work on a gift for the aliens! What am I to tell my people?
Cap'n G: Oh, ye of little faith...
SGotUN: (Attempts to pick his jaw up off the floor, where it has fallen)
Ref: Hey, Duralloy Armor! That's easily my best ART world tech draw in an Imperium to date! Still not an economic tech, but I'll take it! Maybe I should make my variant even crazier!
FA: What are you talking about?!?!?!
Ref: Can we get him out of here?
2306
SGotUN: Okay, we're all impressed by Duralloy, but wasn't that just dumb luck?
Cap: Nothing's dumb luck, Secretary General. It's all directed by the hand of your deity of choice! Or, if you happen to be an atheist or agnostic, it is a result of the amazing nature of existence itself - chaotic events varying with quantum fluctuations throughout the universe!
Ref: And here I thought it was just a pseudo-random number generator.
Cap: Anyway, you didn't think we were sending our Scouts and Greetings(es) out through the galaxy so quickly just to say hi to the aliens at the earliest possible date, now did you? We made every effort to be the first to every possible star, partly in the hope of finding something just like we did! Anyway, you'll be pleased to know we've also started funding your scientists' work on Improved Terraforming +10.
FA: You'll be less pleased to know that we've already lost a starship though: One of the old Scouts we commissioned.
Cap: Ah, the will of God and/or the will of the gods is unknowable, and/or the random fluctuation of quantum events includes a level of uncertainty. Do not...
Ref: Captain Giving, with all due respect, can we just mourn for the pilot and move on? The Guardian ate him. He died in a good(ish) cause. Tell Faceless Advisor and the Sec. Gen. to get over it.
Cap: Hey, I'm trying to wax poetic in a totally-inclusive-of-all-faiths-and-non-faith-based-celebrations-and-anti-faiths-alike kind of way here! I was on a roll!
Ref: Yeah, but if you go on like this, I'm pretty sure just about all faiths and non-faiths alike will consider you a blasphemer, a blithering idiot, or both.
Cap: No way! When I'm so inclusive? Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet!
Ref: ... Uh-oh....
2307-9
FA: Great news! We have first contact with an alien race! I mean, sort of. Our Greetings(es) ... uh ... (reads Captain Giving's script) offered the hand of friendship to a bunch of alien Scouts and even a Colony Ship! Which, uh, promptly ran away.
SGotUN: Why would they do such a thing?
Cap: Maybe we should have put some more peace signs and hearts and smiley faces on the giant, automatically-waving, inflatable Hands of Friendship we installed on our ships.
Ref: I'm pretty sure we already covered every possible square milimeter....
SGotUN: Forget I asked, okay?
Ref: On the plus side, we now pretty much know for sure where Kholdan, Altair, and Cryslon are!
FA: What's a Kholdan? Oh, Altair's a star, right? But what about that other one? Did you mean Crysmas?
Ref: ...
2319-23
SGotUN: Wow, I doubted you guys at first, but look at the progress we're making!
Ref: Yup, it's great to have new terraforming technology, and we already know of at least one place to use Controlled Dead Environment - although there'd be something to be said for going for cheaper Terra+20, which we might even be able to gift to the rocks when it comes in.
Cap: Plus, we're working on Improved Industrial Tech 7 now, the best of the three available techs in the field!
Ref: Although starting with a quick grab of IIT9 would have been way better; it wouldn't delay 7 meaningfully, and would speed things up in the meantime.
Cap: Oh, hush. Anyway, I was going to open propulsion research by now too, but with Duralloy and terraforming and everything, we can build long-range colony ships already, so there's not that much point.
Ref: Yes, there is, for some of the same reasons we sent all those Greetings...es... out so early. Plus, we'd get contact with aliens faster.
Cap: Look, you're supposed to be my copilot. Will you stop contradicting me?
Ref: Oops. Sorry. No propulsion it is.
2325
Ref: Hey! Looks like not someone's not ignoring propulsion research! We just got a call from Sedimin, from his two-planet empire of Fertile Neptunus and Cryslon!
Cap: All right! Time to really show the Humans the meaning of the holiday season! Now, which religious or non-religious winter holiday should I represent first?
Ref: ... Which ... reli... WHAT?!?!
Cap: They did name their home star Cryslon, as Faceless so kindly pointed out, but the spelling's not right, and what's with the "lon" anyway? Hmmm ... wait, I've got it!
Ref: ... A nine-branched menorah? Dreidels? Chocolate Maccabees? Whaaaaaat?! What do Silicoids have to do with Judaism?
Cap: Not just Judaism: Hanukah!!! You'll see!
Ref: (Closes his eyes, afraid to look. Unfortunately...)
Ref: !!! What in the name of Stephen Barcia was that?!
SGotUN: That was us giving our first two gifts: Duralloy and Terra +10! Plus, they agreed to trade 50 BC per year with us! Yay!!!
Ref: No, I meant that horrifying screeching!
Cap: - Ahem - that was "Rock of Ages," a (slightly [mis]translated) traditional Hanukah song!
Ref: ... Yeah, well, I've heard conflicting messages about what something called "Gehenom" is supposed to be, so you'd better hope Jews really don't believe in hell.
Cap: You mean they'd think singing that song to a literal rock is idolatry?
Ref: I mean you used it as an excuse to do what you call singing! Good gravy! I thought we avians were supposed to be good at that sort of thing!
FA: Ever heard a mocking bird imitate a car alarm?
Ref: ...
Cap: Some copilot you turned out to be!
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Next: The Rising Tide
