[In the fine tradition of recent Star Wars movies, the script for Star Wars 33: The Dark Side of Orion has altogether too many scenes, each of which runs altogether too long. Being that it's number 33 in the series, it might in fact be said to take this tendency rather to extremes. As such, I have cut out many of the extraneous bits. For instance, the first two thousand, two hundred and ninety nine scenes are all just background, filler, and toy-merchandizing. Truth be told, the same might be said of the parts I left in, but here goes anyway....]
Scene 2300
Corridor in the Human Rebel Palace, NIGHT. Windows line the corridor, looking out at the night sky, the stars drowned by the brilliant lights of Capital City, Sol 3. Striding purposefully down the corridor is KIRK AIRGUITAR. He does not look like a farm boy, though presumably he was one once upon a time. At present, he is a stern gentleman edging toward the elderly side of middle age; a discerning observer will quickly realize he is wearing a toupee. He is obviously in a cheerful mood, and not trying to hide it: He moves his lips and makes a series of noises as he walks. An exceptionally generous witness might call it singing.
AIRGUITAR: Buuuum-BUM-bum-ba-ba-BAAAAA-bum! Bum-ba-ba-BAAAAAA-bum! Bum-ba-ba-BUM!
ENTER a SCANTILY CLAD HAREM GIRL from an INTERIOR door. Her hair is not in buns at this time, but observers somewhat less discerning than those who spotted the toupee will nevertheless convince themselves that it was, presumably because whatever parts of her they may be looking at just now do not include her hair. She appears frightened and worried, and is pressing both palms up against her ears.
HAREM GIRL: Captain Kirk, what's going on? Are you dying? (She removes her hands from her ears as he stops singing)
AIRGUITAR: (Slightly taken aback) Dying? What? Are you kidding? I've just attended the launching ceremony for the new starships - and what's more, we have gained access to the legendary Orion Force! Before long, we will start receiving free technological advances handed down from on high by an undefined spiritual entity that will someday be inexplicably re-envisioned as a bunch of germs!
HAREM GIRL: But ... how do you know all this?
AIRGUITAR: The Orion Force is strong in me. Buuuuuuuum-BUM-bum-ba-ba...
HAREM GIRL: (Desperately, pressing her hands over her ears again) Help! Oh, help! There it is again!
AIRGUITAR: (Slightly nonplussed) Um, there what is?
HAREM GIRL: (Removing her hands) That noise that sounds like you're strangling to death on your own phlegm!
AIRGUITAR: (Blushing furiously) What, my singing?
HAREM GIRL: Oh. Is that what it is?
AIRGUITAR: ...
HAREM GIRL: ...
AIRGUITAR: ...
HAREM GIRL: Um, please let us celebrate this joyous occasion! The ... um, ships and Orion whatsit and things. Come and celebrate privately with me, in such a way as to make sure you forget all about this ... um, this incident just now.
AIRGUITAR: Whoa. Okay! Oh, wait. You aren't like secretly my sister or anything?
HAREM GIRL: (Looks at him aghast) The Orion Force forbid!
AIRGUITAR: Right. Just checking. You never can tell with these things. Cowabunga, baby!
HAREM GIRL: Yes. But let's go off-camera. This is supposed to be a family-friendly Imperium report.
SCENE 2326
Windswept, sandy desert, DAY. It is noon on the surface of the planet Firma, which is a desert world in the same sense that a cartoon of a circular beach inhabited by two shipwrecked sailors and a coconut tree is a desert island. Rolling dunes extend to the uncomfortably near horizon. In the background, an Imperial factory city is assembling yet more factories with the help of numerous unusually tall JAWAS, in their usual cowled hoods, but with oddly red-tinted, slit-like eyes. Nearby, a smaller group of JAWAS standing atop a sand dune includes one in a bright red cloak with a metallic sheen. We zoom in on the red-cloaked JAWA, and hear the distinctive sound of artificially-assisted breathing. It is DAR WIN, DARK LORD OF THE SITH, addressing his GROVELLING ADVISORS.
WIN: (His deep, rich, powerful voice appears completely unimpeded by whatever apparatus assists his breathing.) Is that the best your miserable planet can do? My base of operations in the sector completed its factory infrastructure two years ago, and is already assembling my first Sith Lander!
GROVELLING ADVISOR #1: If you please, your Dark Lordship, we had to start from scratch 24 years ago with just two million imperial slaves. These genetically modified Jawas are incredibly slow workers and...
WIN: (His voice a dangerous warning) Darloks. DAR-loks! They are named for their service to the Sith!
GROVELLING ADVISOR #2: Yes, your Dark Lordship. And I'm sure they have amazing hidden talents that will be revealed sometime around Scene 2337, but the fact remains that this planet is a little piece of Sith.
WIN: You have no idea. Just wait until 2471.
(All the GROVELLING ADVISORS exchange nervous glances. None of them are ever comfortable when DAR WIN uses his amazing Sith powers - and/or reads ahead in the script - to predict the future.)
WIN: Fear not - we shall have better planets soon enough ... but you shall remain here on this one.
(All the GROVELLING ADVISORS gasp with horror.)
GROVELLING ADVISOR #1: (Sputtering) But your Dark Lordship, that stinks like Bantha Podu! Besides, how will you even know where to send your Sith Lander? You scrapped our only scouts before they left your base of operations, and you haven't built any since!
WIN: Do not underestimate the Dark Side.
(DAR REFSITH flies in from the direction of the city, piloting an IMPERIAL SKYCYCLE. He looks just like all the other cloaked and hooded JAWA/DARLOKS, except that his eyes glow like yellow orbs instead of red slits. The camera lingers on his skycycle for an unnecessarily long time in hopes of selling more KirkasArts Skycycle Action Figure Accessories at $44.95 apiece.)
REFSITH: (Leaping dramatically from his IMPERIAL SKYCYCLE, whose action figure features dramatic rider-leaping/ejector-launching action, just $44.95, DAR REFSITH action figure not included) Lord Win! There's an urgent call for you on the holotransmitter!
GROVELLING ADVISOR #2: Maybe it's the Emperor. Maybe he's reconsidered that policy that forbids scientific research of any kind to be performed for any reason.
WIN: Not the Emperor. I have not sensed his attention here. Besides, he is still convinced that emulating the rebels by totally forgoing actual research is the only way to control the Orion Force.
REFSITH: Yeah; the holocall's from one of those rebel scum. The one who looks like a giant pile of rocks.
WIN: We meet at last. I shall take the call at once in my holo-chamber, which exactly resembles the Holochamber Play Set available from KirkasArts for just $159.99, Lord Dar Win action figure not included.
WIN: I see Geode controls five star systems already. Obviously the Orion Force is with ... it. We may be forbidden to do independent research into new technologies, but there's no law against our forces reverse-engineering the technologies the rebels are sent from Orion ... and then, by analyzing them via the scientific method, coming to understand them better than the rebel fools themselves!
(Low-register rumblings of doom emphasize the danger to the rebel forces since writer/director Jorge T. Kirkas is incapable of doing so via dialogue or scene-setting.)
SCENE 2331
Imperial Holochamber, NIGHT
The holodisplay terminal is off, and DAR WIN, DARK LORD OF THE SITH sits facing DAR REFSITH. The sound of WIN'S assisted breathing device can be heard throughout the scene.
WIN: That was the Sakkra rebel leader. He says resistance is futile. I thought that was the Meklar's line.
REFSITH: Well, the Meklar never made it to the Orion sector.
WIN: He's got a two-planet empire, including that ultra-poor ocean world right on our doorstep that he just colonized this year. He has no right to bluster about anything more ambitious than the smell of his own socks.
REFSITH: Probably it's an inferiority complex. Anyway, we only have three stars ourselves.
WIN: So far.
REFSITH: Didn't the Alkari have like four when we met them last year? I noticed you setting up a small trade package with them to put them off their guard. And didn't that holodroid, C3-D0, say the Silicoids were out to six systems some three years back? And wasn't their sixth world that ultra-rich inferno world of Arietis, for that matter?
WIN: I believe I said, "SO FAR!" We shall have MORE than three stars shortly, and the Sakkra shall have less than two! Kronos will be an important stepping stone for us until we can steal range tech from somebody - and I have transports and TREE Fighters on the way to take it from the scaly rebels immediately!
REFSITH: ... Tree Fighters?
WIN: Twin REtro Engines.
REFSITH: ...oh.
REFSITH: You realize we're never going to acquire Ion Engines before we conquer the sector or get wiped out by the rebels, right?
WIN: Please shut up.
SCENE 2336
Small island, NIGHT. An island city on the vast ocean world of Kronos overlooks the scene of battle. LORD DAR WIN OF THE SITH and DAR REFSITH are comteplating it critically. A variety of water combat craft, both rebel and imperial, are lighting up the night sky as their hulls slowly burn and sink. A large number of Imperial craft remain. All of the craft involved in the battle are available as action figure accessories from KirkasArts at various prices; collect the whole set!
WIN: Now that's more like it. The conquest of Kronos proceeded exactly according to plan - and since Obaca is both a useful stepping stone, a valuable terran world in its own right, and a colony of those accursed Silicoid rebels who won't even establish trade with me, it shall be my next target!
REFSITH: That's three things.
WIN: (Spins on him and glares with his glowing red eyes) What?!
REFSITH: (Counts on his gloved fingers) Useful, valuable, Silicoid. That's three things. You can't say "both" unless you're talking about exactly two.
WIN: Are you sure you're not expendable, Dar Refsith?
REFSITH: Pretty sure.
SCENE 2341
Secret Underground Reverse-Engineering Laboratory. Various pieces of scientific equipment clearly labeled, "Not for Scientific Research" are scattered around the windowless room. LORD DAR WIN OF THE SITH is leaning on a large microscope while DAR REFSITH sits back in a chair and rubs his eyes with his gloved fists.
WIN: (With satisfaction) It will serve. That's five.
REFSITH: Let's see. Hand lasers four years ago, a battle computer two years back, deuterium fuel last year, and now these terraforming hybrids, all from the 'coids. An ECM Jammer last year from the birdies, which no doubt helped land this one. Yup, apparently you can count. How many spies have we lost picking these little gems up?
WIN: Who cares? We can replace them. They're only Darloks. Also, you just dangled a preposition at me.
REFSITH: I apologized for correcting your language. Fifty-seven times now! And that was five years ago!
WIN: (Looks smug) Anyway, it's nowhere near what we just lost at Obaca. 37 million Darloks died with 20 million of the rocks. And we didn't get ANY tech out of THAT!
REFSITH: Of course, there were only three factories on the entire planet....
SCENE 2354
Arid Plains, DAY. Thick, grey clouds cover the sky as a SITHLANDER COLONY SHIP neatly dissassembles itself in the background, its components becoming living quarters for its two million Darlok inhabitants on the surface of arid Crypto. Needless to say, the KirkasArts Sithlander Play Set turns into its own star cruiser carrying case. Also needless to say, though DARK LORD DAR WIN OF THE SITH and a DARLOK SOLDIER look over the scene from a nearby hillock, their respective action figures are not included in the Play Set's $389.94 price tag.
WIN: This is a marked improvement. These Darloks may amount to something yet. It's been five years since my spies lifted anything, but the Silicoids' improvements on their industrial technology should help get this planet off the ground.
SOLDIER: I'm sure they'll steal something else soon, your dark lordship.
WIN: Maybe. Probably something useless and obsolete - like those hydrogen fuel cells they took from the Alkari.
SOLDIER: Um ... um, your dark lordship, that was eleven years ago. And at least it helps with miniaturization.
WIN: The Sith have long memories. See that you don't forget it. In fact ... wait, what's this? A call from Farseer? I'll take it on my portable transponder.
WIN: ... Well, I'm glad I didn't take the trouble to go to my holochamber for that. It appears we are at war with the Alkari now.
SOLDIER: But ... but your dark lordship, that makes it UNANIMOUS! That's EVERYONE we KNOW!
WIN: Yes. They are rebels after all. Also, they keep making alliances with each other for no reason and refuse to break them when I ask. It's almost like they're part of a ... a....
SOLDIER: A rebel alliance, your dark lordship?
WIN: (Nodding) Almost as if.
SCENE 2361
Imperial Holonews Chamber. The main news holodisplay is blank and silent. LORD DAR WIN OF THE SITH and DAR REFSITH are sprawled carelessly in viewing seats, chatting amiably.
REFSITH: I trust the new Tree Interceptors are coming along?
WIN: The first should take to the skies next year. With their new battle computers equipped, ready to take on the Alkari. As for the Sakkra, one of my spies penetrated to Phantos earlier today. We now have the plans for barren colony bases.
REFSITH: And the 'Coids?
WIN: What of them? They have rocks for brains.
REFSITH: They also have lots of planets, a big starfleet, superior weapons and shields....
WIN: (Ignores him, sitting up to glare at the holodisplay) When is that idiotic holodroid going to make its appearance?
REFSITH: C3-D0? It's hard to say. Anyway, there should be some kind of news, since we got that dispensation to do research at Kronos last year.
WIN: No dispensation was given. It's not research by the Emperor's definition. No new technology. Just an engineering project. Ah - there's the holodroid now.
REFSITH: Ten research points, huh? Yeah, that'll be hard to come by in five years. (Chuckle) You know, I hope you're right about the Emperor's definition. I'm going to feel really foolish if the other Sith lords complain that they had to let supernovas blow up stars in their sectors because the Emperor wouldn't permit them to design solar rejuvenators.
WIN: If you don't feel really foolish already, your Sith senses are lacking in discernment. In any case, our rejuvenator will be finished next year, at the same time we colonize Guradas.
REFSITH: (Grumbling) About Guradas...
WIN: Hold that thought. We're receiving a diplomatic call. We may as well receive it here.
The holodisplay comes to life, REVEALING GEODE, THE SILICOID REBEL LEADER.
GEODE: Hail mighty Emperor Dar Win. I bear greetings from the most wise Geode of the Silicoids.
WIN: I am not the Emperor, rebel. I am merely his representative. Pray you do not draw his personal attention to yourself.
REFSITH: You may well be the most wise Geode of the Silicoids ... but just how many Geodes do the Silicoids have? And are any of them wise?
GEODE: Do you still wish to suffer more? The Silicoids see no need to continue hostilities. Let us agree to peace.
WIN: (Looking at DAR REFSITH) You were asking about the Silicoids?
REFSITH: Well I'll be. I guess we may as well accept.
WIN: We do so.
GEODE: Excellent. (His holo-image fades out of existence)
REFSITH: We weren't in a position to attack them at this point anyway. (Shakes his head) Now, Guradas. This sector has got to be approaching saturation. One more colony might push it to the two-thirds mark for inhabited systems. Can we take that risk?
WIN: With Geode at peace? Certainly we can.
REFSITH: Uh-huh. And what if he comes up for election against us? Or what if it's that Airguitar guy? Even if Durash IV is officially the one running, everyone would probably vote for him. And we've got the Alkari and Sakkra guaranteed to vote for anyone who makes Darlok extermination a central platform plank. You've joked about a rebel alliance, but can you imagine what would happen if all these rebels really formed an alliance, and collaborated against us together?
WIN: You lack faith in the Dark Side.
REFSITH: ...
WIN: Don't let the Emperor learn of it.
REFSITH: ...?
_______________
Next: The Rebels Strike Back!
