"The gamma-shift polarity algorithms indicate..."
"You forgot quantum."
"What?"
"Quantum. Should be quantum gamma-shift polarity algorithms. Probably want a quasi in there somewhere too. Can we make that fit? You can never have too many Q words."
"Look, the meeting with the emperor is in twenty three minutes. I don't have time to rewrite every sentence to put in more Qs! Why can't we just present the scientific data we've got? We've got hard facts, backed up by solid experimentation. What do we need with pseudoscientific gibberish? Can't we just tell the emperor what we know?"
"Right. Okay, I guess you're new at this, so I'm going to cut you some slack, but you've got to get this straight. The emperor's scientific credentials consist of three hours a week for half a semester in a Physics for Poets class at Easy Street University and the stray bits he's managed to pick up from watching Mysteries of Space in the holo chamber when his display selection unit is on the fritz. His ability to evaluate scientific data is comparable to an unusually intelligent spaniel's."
"..."
"If our all-knowing emperor even thinks he has some vague idea of what we're doing, he's going to try to tell us how to do it, or interpret something for himself. You can understand why that would be bad, right?"
"..."
"Last time someone tried to explain solar phenomena in plain Darlokian, he said what we needed was a direct interface, and ordered the entire research team to fly their orbital lab into the sun."
"I'll see what I can fit in about quarks."
The Chronicles of Ref Blobby Operator the 21st, High Emperor of L. Nobilis:
2300: Oh, dear! Oh, dear! It seems that some quantum gamma-shifted, um, polarity algorithms are indicating a ... er ... quasi-chaotic field state in the quazar displacement quark signatures ... or ... something. Chaotic field states are bad enough, but quasi-chaotic! That must be much worse. Um, so anyway, it seems like what all of this means is that there are aliens in the galaxy trying to conquer it and things. At least, that's what the astronomers explained. We have to stop being lazy and do something! Luckily, we have a Colony Ship sitting around taking up space for some reason, and a couple of interstellar scouts. The Colony Ship looks suspiciously like the solar research station I ordered into the sun a few years back, with the huge engines they said were needed to reach the right depth in the sun's core, but the astronomers assured me that's not right. They say we haven't heard from the solar physicists because they're still trying to find a workaround for the quad-oblique angularity interference from quantum dimensional effects surrounding the quasi-coronal ... thing. I don't remember, but it's obviously important, with all those q-words in it. Anyway, there's only one place the colony ship can reach with its quintuple quantum warp beacon whatsit, so it's off to the green star with our colonists!
2303: Yay!
It's Stalaz, a nice, big, fertile ocean world, without any annoying minerals to poison the waters or get in the way! This will be the best colony ever! We're doing great! Oh, and you can also see my Scouts fanning out in pretty two-three-two waves, toward the stars they could reach before we set up our Stalaz beacon thingy.
2306: Looks like the quasi-chaotic pitch country ... or ... whatever it was ... was right! There really are aliens with space ships in the galaxy! My Scout chased a Psilon Scout away from the fertile world of Beta Ceti, which is even bigger than Stalaz, even though it has enough yucky minerals for everybody! Plus there's volcanic Berel and the Paranar steppe and another poor ocean at Kulthos, except not as big or fertile because it's not as poor as Stalaz. Except that doesn't explain Beta Ceti. Well, that's not the point. The point is, what great places for colonies! Oh, yeah, and because of some scientific reason I don't understand having to do with distances between stars and our beacony things, my Propulsion scientists are telling me they want to see what kinds of technologies are possible, and they need a little funding to figure it out. They'll probably want a lot more next year, but it's worth it for those planets, really. Plus the two Newscouts that got built last year are already on their way to have a look at the stars in the southeast!
2307: Turns out we're going to be working on Deuterium Fuel Cells even though it's harder to do than the hydrogen kind. Apparently, there's a quantum flux between the fourth and fifth parsec or something. But more importantly, it's a good thing I left a Newscout at Paranar! He had to chase away a Mrrshan scout and everything! It's great that we're winning all our fights already!
2309: Great news! We found something called a Guardian!
I'm sure those things it was projecting at my Newscout are Friendship Beams. I just don't understand why I haven't heard from the ship since then. Maybe the crew is still celebrating. Anyway, we're finding out about some more great stars, like Gienah with all the mineral-heavy lava flows on its primary world's surface and Primodius with its asteroid field, and the desert of Aurora far away. My planetologists are pretty excited about starting work for me, so I set them loose on the pilot project they keep discussing.
2310: What do you know? It looks like work's already starting on Improved Eco Restoration! It was the obvious thing to do with no barren worlds anywhere to be seen. I'll give my construction engineers something to do while I'm at it. I'd love the chance to build cheaper factories! Still no word from the Newscout that met the Guardian. That must be some kind of party! I'm sure we'll hear back soon though.
2323: Well, we've been working on Reduced Industrial Waste 80% for a dozen years since the engineers couldn't figure out a way to do cheap factories. I did get a couple more Newscouts last year though, and sent them off toward the edge of known space since our new fuel cells will be ready any day now! But the best news of all just came in this year!
Our planetologists have worked out a way to improve our cleanup techniques! I asked them what they think we ought to research next, and the chief planetology researcher told me, "Whatever," but I didn't think there was any such thing as Quasi-Quantum Whatever technology. I looked it up on the Shadow Net, but it didn't get any hits - not even the usual pages and pages of indecipherable techno-science language like "meters" and "grams" and whatever - so I decided to risk asking my planetologists, but I couldn't find them anywhere. I'm sure they'll be back soon though. Anyway, in totally unrelated good news, the population of the Stalaz beachfront retirement communities has apparently increased.
2329: Wow, that sure took long enough: Our new fuel cells are ready! The new acting chief of the propulsion science team just presented them to me. It's weird that the new guy would be the acting chief; he doesn't have any seniority, so he must really be a hot-shot genius prodigy. But maybe he's just a great politician. When I asked him what he thought the best new project for his team would be, he said that he fully trusted me to make the decision without his advice. He said it very nicely - very flattering - and I sort of looked away so I could shapeshift back into a more composed form without a blush on it, but wouldn't you know it? When I looked back, he was gone! In fact, my butler was standing right where he had been! I asked where the acting chief guy had gone, and my butler said, "No doubt hurrying to put your plan into motion." That was a big relief, because I hadn't realized that I had a plan. But after he hurried off toward the spaceport at top speed, I thought about it and realized my butler was supposed to be on vacation that day! I guess he just likes working for me too much to ever get away until the last minute. Oh, and the Stalaz beach communities keep growing. It's funny; they've gotten a real reputation as a party place, which you wouldn't expect with all those old retirees!
2331: Things are really going well for us: L. nobilis will finish up all its factory infrastructure next year while it begins assembling the hull for our very first Lander colony ship! The news is going to be full of our good work, obviously.
... Wow. I guess those quark signatures or whatever they were really knew their stuff. There are aliens who call themselves Mrrshans out there, with colonies in three different star systems already, and we're just now starting work on our first Lander! We'd better get moving!
2333: Hey, we found the new Mrrshan colony! It's at the poor jungle world of Maretta - another fertile planet; there seem to be a lot around here. Well, except for Rayden off in the west. It's a dead world, so choked with mineral richness, no life can survive on its surface. Yieech. Well, with another race so close by, we should get to work on learning to communicate with them. My language experts all say the best way to do that is by developing qauntum quasi-conductive quintuple-processors to analyze their speech techniques, so we're getting our computer research started right away.
2337: This is great! The first real news since we discovered the Iranha asteroid belt a couple years back! The Mrrshans built a colony at Paranar! My Newscout tried to tell them that's just where our Lander was planning to go, but the fighter, destroyer, and cruiser escorting their colony ship misunderstood and chased it away. Luckily, that won't be a problem anymore! When our construction engineers came in to report they had reduced our industrial waste levels successfully, they also revealed an even more important discovery: They'd found a Universal Translation Device hiding under the couch! So we're still working on the Deep Space Scanner my computer scientists planned out for me three years ago, but we can already talk to the Mrrshans now, and in fact their ruthless technologist empress Mirana agreed to trade 25 BC per year with me! I was going to celebrate with the engineers, but they all had disappeared. I guess it would have been impolite to watch me chatting with Mirana. They'll be back to tell me what they think of the new research project I've planned for them any day.
2338: Hey, one of my Newscouts got a look at Keeta!
It has an artifacts world in orbit, with an Alkari colony! The birds don't want to talk to me yet, but as you can see, Mirana was kind enough to share the names and locations of her four stars with me. I thought about telling her she could run a great hotel, but thought better of it at the last minute. Anyway, on to other projects! It's high time our scientists got to work on forcefield and weapon technologies!
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Next: There's More than One Way to ... Discover ... Things...
