Ref: Well, we're colonizing Tau Cygni and Vox this year alone, and that's after last year's six-system out-stripping report.
Cap: REF!!! This is supposed to be a FAMILY-FRIENDLY Holiday Special!
FA: ... I'm not going to ask.
Ref: You're learning! Okay, so we now know where all the alien homeworlds are, thanks to our scouting reports from non-homeworld yellow stars, and the Silicoids are no longer a threat to steal worlds from us, so we can sign them up for a non-aggression pact.
Cap: Thanks for the NAP, Sedimin; and could I interest you in boosting our trade to 125 BC per year? I could? Great!
Ref: Meanwhile, we'll spend a few peaceful years buil...
Cap: Happy to do business with you, Kaxal! Thanks for the NAP!
Ref: Wait, what?
Cap: We're the peacefulest peacers that ever peaced! We have non-aggression pacts with everyone we know now!
Ref: Captain, the bugs have at least range 6, plus plenty of tech for LR colships! We should know: We gifted Duralloy Armor and all kinds of environmental tech to them! There are still at least two worlds to explore and colonize that we can't keep them away from once we're NAPped!
Cap: ... Details, schmetails. We're at peace with everybody!
Ref: sigh....
2361
Cap: See what happens when we spread peace and love through the galaxy? We've managed to form a galactic council to resolve all our differences peacefully! I even voted for the Psilons, who we haven't even met, as a sign of good faith.
Ref: Of course, you wouldn't have done it if it would have made them our emperors or anything. Please note however that we already have a veto over all council proceedings!
Cap: That's because we're so peaceful and loving that everyone trusts us to do the right thing! No, really!
2364
Cap: I keep thinking something else important happened that I'm forgetting.
Ref: You mean like ECM 1 coming in three years ago, and picking Improved Robotic Controls III to advance?
Cap: Holy Cow, you're right!
Ref: I hope you're not going to count that as a homage to Hinduism for your whole inclusivity thing.
Cap: I have no idea what you're talking about, and I have a feeling I don't want to know. But the point is, We've had ECM 1 for three years, and giving it away totally slipped my mind! I was just so distracted by the tremendous success of the elections that I forgot we'd even researched it! Well, it's time to fix that!!! Haaaaaaaaaappy New Year!!! ECM for Silicoids! ECM for Bugs! Kiss at midnight! Have some eggnog! Drop the ball!
Ref: Wait, I thought dropping the ball was what you did for three years!
Cap: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! Ref, this is serious! How am I supposed to spread holiday cheer when my own copilot is doing nothing but snarking at me all the time?
Ref: Sorry; I couldn't help it. Thing is, you were right about your NAP policies bringing us a 2361 election!
Ref: We didn't take any planets that year, but the bugs did! They probably couldn't have colonized Aquilae if you hadn't given them a NAP; now it's going to be that much harder for us to contact the brains!
Cap: Errrr ... see? I told you I was right! As for those drawbacks and everything ... look. Why don't you try it my way for a while? I we're peaceful and loving enough, we're sure to win all the aliens' hearts. They can't very well join our cause though if we won't join in ourselves!
Ref: ... Well, I guess this is a holiday special. I'll give it a try. What am I supposed to do?
Cap: (Hands over a big sheaf of paper) I wrote a script! Just read your lines, okay?
Ref: (Paging through to find his place) Uh ... you don't have a thinner version, do you?...
Cap: That isn't your line!
2366
Ref: Wow, Proxima! Our ninth star! The GNN droid says we'll soon control the galaxy! How do you do it, Captain?!
Cap: It's all in the wrist! But there's more! We just developed Hand Lasers, and we can move along with Anti-Missile Rockets since they're cheap and we sure don't intend to use bombs!
Ref: How wise and brilliant of you, Captain Giving! Obviously you are totally great in every way, and all the female Yehat compete for a chance to swoon over you!
Cap: Uh, Ref?
Ref: Look, I lost my spot in the script. I'm sure that was more or less what you intended, right?
Cap: ...
Kaxal and Sedimin: (In unison) Thank you so much for the Hand Lasers! These are the best gifts we've ever seen!
Cap: See? someone's reading the script at least!
2367
Cap: Another year, another tech! And this one's a big deal! Enhanced Eco is cutting our factory costs by 60% in one swoop, and Kaxal is delighted to receive a copy too!
Ref: No doubt, and you are obviously both wise and smart, as well as cool in every known way, because you chose Controlled Radiated Environment, for a planet that other races will surely reach before us when we gift it to them and they auto-upgrade their colships before we can build one of our own, whereas those of us who are merely in our right minds might have taken Terra+40 instead.
Cap: (sigh) Lost your place again, did you? Try page seventy-nine hundred and eighty two.
Ref: Uh, the pages are numbered with egyption hieroglyphics in this section. Do I turn backward or forward?"
Cap: (Groans!)
2369
Ref: Take a look! It's the Alkari! The beautiful, backward, bird-brained Alkari! They must have finally pulled advanced range tech in! Check out their emperor Arial on the screen!
Cap: No kidding! And boy is he in luck today! Here, help me with my costume.
Ref: I'm afraid to look at your costume! Who are we offending today?
Cap: Offending?! That's not in the script anywhere!
Cap: Ha! I can spread holiday cheer without my costume! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaapy Eid ul-Fitr, Arial! Ramadan is over, and it's time for a day of feasting! Just as it's traditional to give food to the poor, so I'm giving you and your poor birdies ECM 1, Duralloy, Enhanced Eco, Controlled Dead, and 100 BC of trade per year!
Ref: ...
Ref: ...
Ref: Just two things: One, since when is Ramadan a winter holiday, and two, since when are Alkari supposed to practice Islam?!
Cap: That's easy. One, since when are any of these winter holidays? You know how our flag is white as snow? Well, in Australia, the holiday season is in the middle of summer, a perfect time to go to the beach! So, the flag is white as foaming ocean breakers! Anyway, Eid ul-Fitr was close enough to winter this year ... ish ... in the northern hemisphere. And two, haven't you read
KnTenshi's "Clipped Wing Memoirs"?:
2370
FA: Class 2 Deflectors are in! And Captain Giving is giving the plans to the birds and rocks already, singing about some holiday I can't pronounce, while our engineers try to develop Class III Deflector Shields too! Three cheers for everybody!
2372
SGotUN: Good Heavens! (And I do believe the Captain is trying to get into all of them - that or none!) There are Humans living on Rha now, and GNN reports that we nearly control a majority of the galaxy! Leaders are trying to merge with us and everything! How could I ever have doubted?
2373
FA: Now he's giving our just-completed Deuterium to the insects, and saying something festive in what I believe is a form of Navajo! It's some language the bugs don't understand, at least! And it looks like we're starting work on Irridium Fuel Cells, to finally get contact with the Psilons someday!
2377
SGotUN: Another chance to vote for Meson in the last election, and now look at the Spirit fly! Our scientists just came through with robotic controls and IIT7 at the same time we colonized Jinga, and we're giving both our new techs as ... uh ... Kwanzaa gifts to everyone!
Ref: Except that the Rocks knew about RC3 already, so they missed out on that. We'll see what happens with Improved Space Scanner and Zortium Armor when they come in though!
Cap: No time for that! We're concentrating on Irridium!
2382
Cap: Irridium Fuel Cells! Yyyyyyyyessss! You know what this means! I've got my costume! Ref's got his script! It's time to meet some Psilons!!!!!
Ref: What in the galaxy?! What is this, a Sino-Carribean halloween?
Cap: Nay, me hearty! It be Holiday! The months-long winter celebration hallowed by Pastafarians around the world! There be so many scientist Pastafarians, I be sure there are Psilons among them!
Ref: But ... but....
Cap: Arrr! Haven't ye been touched by His noodly appendage then? All praise the Flying Spaghetti Monster! RAmen!
Ref: That can't be a real religion!
Cap: Sure it can be! Besides, I be looking to be all-inclusive, me jolly mate! Every religion, secular nondenominational celebration, pseudo-religion, non-religion, and anti-religion I can think of be getting equal treatment from me!
Ref: Right - they're all misrepresented equally.
Cap: Exactly!
Cap: ...
Cap: Wait.
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Next: Ingratitude!
