Cap: Perhaps it will take a miracle to show you the true power of [insert religious or non-religious holiday or philosophy of your choice here]! Well, a miracle you shall see! Observe the poor Psilons, just before the Spirit showed up with its heaping plates of tasty pasta goodness and (deep breath) Duralloy Armor, Improved Industrial Tech 7, Improved Robotic Controls III, Irridium Fuel Cells, Controlled Dead Environment, Enhanced Eco Restoration, Deuterium Fuel Cells, and Hand Lasers! (gasp - wheeze) And then look at their tech curve the very next year, after all those gifts had come in! (We also had the option to give them Terraforming +10 somewhere in there, but either I gave it to them and forgot to grab any screen shots, which isn't how I remember it, or they eventually decided they didn't want it after all in the course of the same meeting.) Not only that, we got to give Sedimin Irridium!
Ref: Now that's more like it, Psilons! From dead last to a visible lead in a single year! Go Brains! Oh, and we're crash-researching Nuclear Engines now, since Sublights aren't in our tree.
2384
Ref: Controlled Radiated is in, and the race is on for Willow: The only radiated planet (no toxics or infernos either) we've found anywhere in the galaxy! We're already putting the finishing touches on a rad ship of our own, and hoping to end up scrapping it as we push research into nuclear engines!
Cap: More importantly, we've also got Anti-Missile Rockets, and all four races we know get their very own copies of both techs!
Ref: Well, except for the Silicoids, who couldn't use Radiated if they wanted to, and so get the AMRs only. Up next? Heading back for the Improved Terraforming +40 we should have gotten first, and giving our bases an answer to spores via Merculite Missiles!
Cap: And by "our" he's talking about all of ours: Every race's in the galaxy!
2385
FA: Great news! Nuclear Engines are in! We can scrap our old Rad ship and build a new, faster version that will get to Willow sooner! Too bad Dotomite Crystals are the only thing our propulsion experts can still imagine to study.
Cap: Great job, Faceless Advisor! Nuclear Engines for everyone! Except the Psilons, who have 'em already. And while I'm at it, how about more trade with our Klackon buddies?
SGotUN: Kaxal's on board for 300 BC per year! You're a genius!
Ref: Why can't I get a slim, easy-to-read script like him?
2386-90
SGotUN: Our first Safety 2.0 fighters are rolling off the line, following in the wake of the Hearth colony ship! If the aliens win the race to Willow, we can scrap our fleet en route, but if we win and they have armed ships on the way, we'll have to defend our people!
Ref: The Alkari are proposing a different solution, actually.
Cap: No way we're accepting though; our solution is already ready to go, and if we did agree to be their ally, they might demand that we declare war on somebody! As for the 250 BC, that's not only a thoughtless dump of cash, it's just not in the holiday spirit! That's a bribe, not a gift!
SGotUN: The really good news is, we wound up winning the race ... and no one else even had a ship on the way after all!
2391
FA: Our Improved Scanner is ready to field, and we're already starting research on Battle Computer Mark V!
Cap: Better still, we're the only ones who have it ... for about the first three seconds! ISS for everyone!!! Feliz Navidad, everybody!!!
Ref: You already used that one.
Cap: No way!
Ref: You did. Dressed up in a Vampire Santa suit and everything.
Cap: Yes, but that was in a whole different language!!!
2393
Ref: Uh-oh. Looks like your double-dipping has offended somebody. That or your wanton flinging from one poorly-researched holiday to the next regardless of religion or culture. It's hard to know.
Cap: That's horrible news! With the Silicoids' NAP so recently broken, we won't be able to talk to them before the next election, at least! And you know what that means!
Ref: No getting an alliance, and they'll probably even send an attack fleet!
Cap: Meh. I mean the severe consequences: It'll delay us giving them more gifts!
2394
FA: Yay! Class 3 shields for everybody! Except the bugs, who already have them, and the rocks, who are too busy with their tiff to talk to us....
SGotUN: Their loss. I notice we're also working on Class V Planetary Shields! Someday, I dream we may never fear war again!
2395
Cap: My dear friends the Alkari! Come build a snow avian with me! We've just developed Terra +40, and we're willing to share!
Arial: While you work on Advanced Eco Restoration? Sure thing! I notice GNN reporting you're first in production ... and I'm last! So, please, anything you'd like is fine with me!
2399
Ref: Zortium Armor and Dotomite Crystals open the way toward Improved Industrial Tech 5 and Fusion Drives as well as making beautiful gifts for all three of the races that are actually talking to us.
Kaxal: Except for the wee little problem that I already know how to make Dotomite Crystals myself!
Ref: Well, yeah, except for that.
2400
Ref: Oh! Did I mention that there's a Silicoid fleet due to reach Tau Cygni next year? We've been building some bases of course, while pushing Planetary shields like crazy, but thanks to some poor luck, they didn't come in until just this year. Fortunately, we had been preparing for just such an eventuality with our base spending (almost but not quite finishing a sixth base last year) and reserves. We'll have a shield up by the time the enemy reaches our world.
Cap: Enemy! No indeed! The poor misguided little stony people! They are our unwitting friends! Just like the Psilons and Alkari, who are receiving our new shields as gifts, while we research a Repulsor Beam.
SGotUN: As for "bad luck," wouldn't you say it's good luck that the planetaries came in this year?
Ref: I would not. Your scientists' reports always cut the odds of success in half, and they were claiming something like 48%. There are two huge ships in that stack, and when I say we were "pushing" those shields, I mean we were maing sure!
FA: Wait, wasn't there an election this year though?
Ref: So they claim. We voted for Kaxal because it was inevitably indecisive again.
2401
Cap: What did I tell you about misguided friends? The Silicoids of course retreated once our Safety fighters did, with no casualties on either side. Five missile bases is five times as many as we need now that a shield's in place.
2403
Sedimin: Hrrrumph. You annoying, almost-but-not-quite-despicable Humans and your crazy Yehat leadership had better have a good reason for bugging me. It's barely been more than a decade since I broke our NAP and cut off communications, and now as soon as I turn my holoreceiver back on, you're leaping up to talk to me? This had better be good; that's all I can say.
Cap: Aw - sorry about that. We really just wanted to say hi. Nothing really to tell you about at all. Just good wishes for the latest holidays and a few little secrets known throughout the rest of the galaxy that your scientists might want to catch up on. Like Class V Planetaries, Class III Deflectors, Zortium Armor, Dotomite Crystals, and Terraforming +40. Willing to accept them, maybe?
Sedimin: ...
Sedimin: ...
Sedimin: Well, yeah, I guess that might be okay........
Cap: I guess you fell just a little behind while you were refusing to talk to us, eh? Think maybe you could let bygones be bygones and up our trade package to 250 BC per year?
Sedimin: Well, when you put it that way...
2404
Cap: Happy year of the Moo-Cow! Errrr ... Ox!
Ref: Aren't you getting a little ahead of yourself?
Cap: Well, a little, maybe. But the point is, our new tech is on me! Merculites for everybody! (Though the bugs seem to have 'em already...) Meanwhile, we can get started on Stinger Missiles for still more base impenetrability! Oh, and Sedimin is willing to agree to a NAP again!
Ref: I hear there's a dead pool on that treaty though, and no one's taking any more than fifteen years....
2408
Arial: This whole gift-giving thing you guys do is ridiculous! It's like we're a charity case or something!
Ref: "Or something"? Really?
Arial: Well, no more! We're not accepting any more gifts! ... For a while anyway ... and we're breaking our NAP with you into the bargain!
Ref: ... Suit yourself, I guess...
2411
Cap: As Amaterasu Omikami begins at last to resume her power, returning the day toward its proper length, it's time to contemplate the wonders of all the kami at our local shrines ... and fit giant space-faring mega robots with the Fusion engines we just developed and gave to all three non-birdy races!
Ref: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! "Form Blazing Sword!" I don't know what it has to do with Shinto, but at least it's Japanese! And anything that gives us a chance to talk about Voltron has got to be a good thing! Let's go with a Warp Dissipator next, to be sort of like a Transformers null ray! Go Starscream!
2412
SGotUN: Well, it may not be a blazing sword, but developing a Repulsor Beam while we start work on Class VI Deflector Shields and gifting it to the usual suspects has to be a good thing!
2415
Ref: A good thing it might be ... but everything has limits. The Klackons have chosen this year to break their NAP with us just like the Alkari. Singularly bad timing on their part, I'd say, as we've just developed a new battle computer and Advanced Eco for distribution to everyone who's still talking to us.
Ref: Yeah, so pretty much just the Psilons. Oh, the 'Coids get the Mark V computer too, but Advanced Eco is useless to them, obviously.
2416
Sedimin: Remember how we broke our NAP with you twenty or so years ago?
SGotUN: You mean just before you proceeded to fall light-years behind the rest of the galaxy in tech until you agreed to talk to us again?
Sedimin: Errrr ... yeah. Exactly. So, that worked out so well, we thought we'd do it again!
SGotUN: ...
FA: ...
SGotUN: ...
Sedimin: I see you're struck speechless by my brilliant strategic planning.
FA: Something like that, anyway....
Cap: I have to admit, I'm disappointed in these alien creatures. We've taught them virtually everything they know about technology, given them constant gifts without asking for anything in return...
Ref: ...and are virtually immune to attack by any of their fleets - in some cases more than just virtually - with plenty of production to ensure it stays that way...
Cap: And yet they keep breaking their peace pacts with us! Why?
Ref: Personally, I blame the pRNG. Plus they none of them have any room for expansion that doesn't involve laying waste to our overwhelmingly powerful Human empire. Of course, considering their chances of doing that successfully....
_______________
Next: Conclusion
