Imperium 16 - Happily Ever After

FA: Hey, Captain Giving? I happened to notice the Alkari amabassador flapping around with his head down looking embarassed. Think it means anything?

Cap: What? He's back?!

FA: Sure. He just showed up now. Came in on the same spaceship that Sedimin's guy - well, Sedimin's rock formation or whatever - took off on.

Cap: That's terrific news! Ask him to get me an appointment with Arial immediately!

FA: No sooner said then done!

Arial: Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you want now?

Cap: Nothing much. Just to give you a Mark V Battle Computer, Repulsor Beam, Fusion Drives, and Advanced Eco.

Arial: Oh. Is ... uh, is that all?

Cap: For this year, it is.

2417

Ref: Class 6s are in, but a nuclear bomb might still do a whole point of damage to our bases occasionally, so we're going to correct the oversight by working on Class VII Deflector Shields while we give the fruits of our labors to the Psilons and Alkari. Oh, and a Klackon fleet is due to hit Tau Cygni next year. It's a popular vacation spot for alien admirals for some reason.

2418

Cap: The bugs have Fusion Bombs! This is horrible news!

FA: (Wringing his hands) You mean they might kill our people and penetrate our bases?

Ref: Well ... they might have, had we not anticipated the possibility of something like this, and built two stacks of 20+ Warp 4 Safety fighters to go with our 5 Merc bases.

FA: So ... um ... why does the Captain look so concerned?

Ref: (As sadly as Captain Giving himself) It means we'll be forced to actually blow up some of their starships. (Sniffs. Sheds a tear.) And I was so hoping we wouldn't have to kill anybody.

FA: Hey, cheer up! They're only ants!

Cap: Argh! Our people still don't understand the idea of love and peace and tolerance and tranquility!

Ref: That's four ideas. Anyway, cheer up! What difference does it make what they think? They're only Humans!

2419-23

SGotUN: Alien ships keep coming to our worlds and retreating without firing a shot. Well ... I guess the Klackons fired a few, and killed one or two more of our brave Safety pilots ... but then we blew up all their bombers, and they flew away too. Jinga actually assembled 11 bases in case the Alkari were packing spores or something, only to scan the ships as they arrived and find they had nothing but lasers and nuclear missiles. It was the most mismatched battle in the history of the galaxy ... if you could call it a battle. No shot was fired on either side before the birds' retreat. The aliens are learning an important lesson - or at least they're teaching one to my people, and to me: You can't accomplish anything by war except the pointless destruction of a few soldiers' lives ... at least when your opponents have eleven layers of deflector shields at their bases and outproduce you overwhelmingly.

2424

Cap: Hurray! Everybody's willing to talk to us again! For the first time in decades!

Ref: Well, a decade and a half, anyway....

Cap: This calls for a major, non-denominational celebration! Happy Winter Solstice, everybody!!! Or Summer Solstice if you forgot to move to the northern hemisphere when they changed the planet's name to North Pole!

Meson of the Psilons: (Grumpily) Does this mean you're a pagan?

Cap: It means I'm perfectly willing to help pagans celebrate their own Very Special Holidays, just like everybody else, as long as they're not into Human (or Alkari or Klackon or Psilon or Silicoid) sacrifice or anything. But also it means you can be happy about the days getting longer and warmer again (if you happen to be in the northern hemisphere) no matter what your religious denomination or lack thereof or opposition thereunto! Or, if you're in the southern hemisphere, you can be happy about the beautiful, warm summer days you're no doubt experiencing, regardless of same! Or, if you happen to live in the tropics, you can be happy about never really even having to worry about winter in the first place!

Meson: Um. Mentar's rotational axis is exactly perpendicular to its orbital plane. What if you don't happen to live on the Human homeworld?

Cap: That's easy! You can be happy about Earth's freakish axial tilt giving your friends an excuse to give you and your Alkari allies our newly-developed techs, like IIT5 and Stingers, while researching Andrium Armor and a Neutron Blaster to also give away someday! If you're a Silicoid, you can celebrate receiving the same gifts, as well as our Class 6 Deflectors! And as a Klackon, you could celebrate getting all those goodies too, plus AER and BC5! Look at it this way: We're all here, and we're doing all right for ourselves - we even have interstellar empires! We don't need to share a common religio-cultural whachamagiggy to be nice to each other, to look out for each other, to celebrate, to be happy! That's what the Spirit of Giving is all about! (Cool spaceship isn't she?)

Meson: I must be going crazy or something. You're actually starting to make sense to me!

Cap: Let's do this then! Let's form an alliance, dedicated to peace, love, and family! Or, failing that, an alliance dedicated to giving each other really cool gadgets and things!

Meson: Against what I would formerly have called my better judgment ... I agree!

Cap: How about your friends the Alkari, can we count on them as allies too?

Arial: You bet you can! We've had enough petty bickering! Especially since we're really, really weak!

Cap: I guess that's it - the others brought their ambassadors back too recently to think about signing on - but that's good enough for me! If this goes on much longer, the Humans will have more than half the galactic population by themselves, and these "votes" will become a joke. Let's finish this while the Council can still offer some legitimacy!

Ref: Besides, I'm running out of time to play the game.

2425

Cap: The High Council convenes once more! Go, Secretary General! It is your hour!

SGotUN: It is my honor to lead the galaxy into a time of lasting peace! Though I hoped for unanimous support, the will of the galaxy is now clear, with only my election opponent voting against me, and only Sedimin abstaining. Achieving a unanimous election at this point would only be a matter of time, and there is no point in wasting it.

Ref: Specifically, a matter of waiting for a quarter-century when the NAP-breach time-outs happened to line up properly.

SGotUNHigh Master of the New Republic: On behalf of all the Humans of the North Pole, the rest of the Earth, and our entire gigantic empire, I welcome all aliens of all races into our New Republic - a Republic built upon the foundations of kindness, charity, and the celebration of life that Captain Giving has taught us to value so highly! A Republic that....

Arial, Kaxal, Meson, and Sedimin in unison: Get on with it, already!

HMotNR: Errrrr... Okay, then. Time to wrap up the speech.

FA: Pretty inspiring, if you ask me. There's just one thing: You guys said all would be made clear in time, and that never really happened. How come RefSteel seemed to know what was going to happen before it did?

Cap: Oh, that's easy. He's the one actually writing this report, and he wrote it after playing the game! So by the time he wrote his lines, he already knew the outcome of everything!

FA: And he was still snarking at everyone, in spite of knowing the whole galaxy would live happily ever after?!

Cap: I think he figured it would be more amusing that way.

FA: Well, all right. But if he knows everything I'm going to in advance, doesn't that mean I don't really have free will?

Cap: Of course it doesn't mean that! He's like anyone else in the future: He knows what happened in our present and future - his past - but can't go back and change it. All the Human empire's decisions were set in stone by the time he wrote this report: He knew them, but couldn't change them.

FA: I'm still not sure I understand.

Cap: Relax. You've got every bit as much free will as I have! (wink)

FA: What a relief!

Cap: Actually, I have a question though. How come everyone calls the new High Master "RBO-16"?

FA: Didn't you know? He's the sixteenth ruler of Earth to be named Rashid Bobby Osaka; the history books are full of the first one, of course, and millions of people are named after him.

Cap: What'd he do?

FA: Something really important and cool that saved the world back in 2043! In fact, the whole reason the world is...

RefSteel: Oops! Out of time! We've got to be moving on! More holiday cheer to spread and everything!

FA: Oh, yeah! That reminds me! Old RBO-16 wanted to thank you for all the hard work you did, teaching him and all the aliens about the Spirit of Giving and everything! He wanted to show he's learned, and that the New Republic will feature gifts given thoughtfully and attentively!

HMotNR: That's right! I have gifts for both of you!

Cap: What could you possibly have gotten us? We're the ones who usually do all the giving!

Ref: Whoah! Sticks of stalish bubblegum in packs of Intergalactic Frungy League cards! I got a Fwiffo rookie card! (not pictured) The first Spathi ever to play at the big-league level!

Cap: This ... this is the most beautiful day of my life!

Ref: He gets to retire, y'see....

Final Score

In 2325: (2500 - 2325 = 175) x (Terra10 [2] + Duralloy [10] = 12) to rocks= 2,100
In 2347: (2500 - 2347 = 153) x (Terra10 [2] + Dead [9] + Duralloy [10] to bugs = 21) = 3,213
In 2364: (2500 - 2364 = 136) x (ECM1 [2]) x 2 recipients (rocks & bugs) = 744
In 2366: (2500 - 2366 = 134) x (Hand Lasers [2]) x 2 recipients (rocks & bugs) = 736
In 2367: (2500 - 2367 = 133) x (EER [13]) to bugs = 1,729
In 2369: (2500 - 2369 = 131) x (ECM1 [2] + Dead [9] + Duralloy [10] + EER [13] = 34) to birds = 4,454
In 2370: (2500 - 2370 = 130) x (Shield2 [4]) x 2 recipients (rocks & birds) = 1040
In 2373: (2500 - 2373 = 127) x (Deuterium [5]) to bugs = 635
In 2377: (2500 - 2377 = 123) x ((RC3 [8] x 2 recipients [bugs & birds] = 16) + (IIT7 [13] x 3 recipients [birds, rocks, & bugs] = 39) = 52) = 6,396
In 2382: (2500 - 2382 = 118) x ((Hand Lasers [2] + Deuterium [5] + RC3 [8] + Dead [9] + Irridium [9] + Duralloy [10] + IIT7 [13] + EER [13]) to Psilons + Irridium [9] to rocks = 78) = 9,194
In 2384: (2500 - 2384 = 116) x (AMR [6] x 4 recipients + Rad [18] x 3 recipients [birds, brains, bugs] = 78) = 9,048
In 2385: (2500 - 2385 = 115) x Warp2 (6) x 3 recipients (rocks, bugs, birds) = 2,070
In 2391: (2500 - 2391 = 109) x ISS (13) x 4 recipients = 5,668
In 2394: (2500 - 2394 = 106) x Shield3 (10) x 2 recipients (birds & brains) = 2,120
In 2395: (2500 - 2395 = 105) x Terra40 (20) to birds = 2,100
In 2399: (2500 - 2399 = 101) x (Zortium [17] x 3 recipients [birds, brains, bugs] + Dotomite [14] x 2 recipients [birds, brains]) = 7,979
In 2400: (2500 - 2400 = 100) x PlanShield5 (12) x 2 recipients (birds & brains) = 2,400
In 2403: (2500-2403 = 97) x (Shield3 [10] + PlanShield5 [12] + Dotomite [14] + Zortium [17] + Terra40 [20] = 73) to rocks = 7,081
In 2404: (2500 - 2404 = 96) x Mercs (14) x 3 recipients (birds, brains, rocks) = 4,032
In 2411: (2500 - 2411 = 89) x Warp4 (18) x 3 recipients (brains, bugs, rocks) = 4,806
In 2412: (2500 - 2412 = 88) x Repulsor (16) x 3 recipients (brains, bugs, rocks) = 4,224
In 2415: (2500 - 2415 = 85) x (BC5 [20] x 2 recipients (brains, rocks) + AER [24] to brains = 64) = 5,440
In 2416: (2500 - 2416 = 84) x (BC5 [20] + Repulsor [16] + Warp4 [18] + AER [24] to birds = 78) = 6,552
In 2417: (2500 - 2417 = 83) x Shield6 [24] x 2 recipients (brains, birds) = 3,984
In 2424: (2500 - 2424 = 76) x ((IIT5 [23] + Stingers [18]) x 4 recipients = 164 + Shield6 [24] x 2 recipients [rocks & bugs] + (AER [24] + BC5 [20] = 44) to bugs = 256) = 19,456

Grand Total = 117,201 x 2 for diplo victory with all races surviving = 234,402

...

If that's the highest score for this game, it will be because virtually everyone else gave up on adding up their scores. On Average difficulty, with 200 years to develop tech before the scoring gives out, this scoring system lends itself to ridiculously high numbers; I'm glad I didn't try to milk the score, as I'd still be calculating it next week! Still, a fun game to play, and a nice, quick one at a time of year when I (for one) didn't have time for a full-scale Imperium!

_______________

Back to the Front Page

Imperium 16 - Ingratitude

2382-3

Cap: Perhaps it will take a miracle to show you the true power of [insert religious or non-religious holiday or philosophy of your choice here]! Well, a miracle you shall see! Observe the poor Psilons, just before the Spirit showed up with its heaping plates of tasty pasta goodness and (deep breath) Duralloy Armor, Improved Industrial Tech 7, Improved Robotic Controls III, Irridium Fuel Cells, Controlled Dead Environment, Enhanced Eco Restoration, Deuterium Fuel Cells, and Hand Lasers! (gasp - wheeze) And then look at their tech curve the very next year, after all those gifts had come in! (We also had the option to give them Terraforming +10 somewhere in there, but either I gave it to them and forgot to grab any screen shots, which isn't how I remember it, or they eventually decided they didn't want it after all in the course of the same meeting.) Not only that, we got to give Sedimin Irridium!

Ref: Now that's more like it, Psilons! From dead last to a visible lead in a single year! Go Brains! Oh, and we're crash-researching Nuclear Engines now, since Sublights aren't in our tree.

2384

Ref: Controlled Radiated is in, and the race is on for Willow: The only radiated planet (no toxics or infernos either) we've found anywhere in the galaxy! We're already putting the finishing touches on a rad ship of our own, and hoping to end up scrapping it as we push research into nuclear engines!

Cap: More importantly, we've also got Anti-Missile Rockets, and all four races we know get their very own copies of both techs!

Ref: Well, except for the Silicoids, who couldn't use Radiated if they wanted to, and so get the AMRs only. Up next? Heading back for the Improved Terraforming +40 we should have gotten first, and giving our bases an answer to spores via Merculite Missiles!

Cap: And by "our" he's talking about all of ours: Every race's in the galaxy!

2385

FA: Great news! Nuclear Engines are in! We can scrap our old Rad ship and build a new, faster version that will get to Willow sooner! Too bad Dotomite Crystals are the only thing our propulsion experts can still imagine to study.

Cap: Great job, Faceless Advisor! Nuclear Engines for everyone! Except the Psilons, who have 'em already. And while I'm at it, how about more trade with our Klackon buddies?

SGotUN: Kaxal's on board for 300 BC per year! You're a genius!

Ref: Why can't I get a slim, easy-to-read script like him?

2386-90

SGotUN: Our first Safety 2.0 fighters are rolling off the line, following in the wake of the Hearth colony ship! If the aliens win the race to Willow, we can scrap our fleet en route, but if we win and they have armed ships on the way, we'll have to defend our people!

Ref: The Alkari are proposing a different solution, actually.

Cap: No way we're accepting though; our solution is already ready to go, and if we did agree to be their ally, they might demand that we declare war on somebody! As for the 250 BC, that's not only a thoughtless dump of cash, it's just not in the holiday spirit! That's a bribe, not a gift!

SGotUN: The really good news is, we wound up winning the race ... and no one else even had a ship on the way after all!

2391

FA: Our Improved Scanner is ready to field, and we're already starting research on Battle Computer Mark V!

Cap: Better still, we're the only ones who have it ... for about the first three seconds! ISS for everyone!!! Feliz Navidad, everybody!!!

Ref: You already used that one.

Cap: No way!

Ref: You did. Dressed up in a Vampire Santa suit and everything.

Cap: Yes, but that was in a whole different language!!!

2393

Ref: Uh-oh. Looks like your double-dipping has offended somebody. That or your wanton flinging from one poorly-researched holiday to the next regardless of religion or culture. It's hard to know.

Cap: That's horrible news! With the Silicoids' NAP so recently broken, we won't be able to talk to them before the next election, at least! And you know what that means!

Ref: No getting an alliance, and they'll probably even send an attack fleet!

Cap: Meh. I mean the severe consequences: It'll delay us giving them more gifts!

2394

FA: Yay! Class 3 shields for everybody! Except the bugs, who already have them, and the rocks, who are too busy with their tiff to talk to us....

SGotUN: Their loss. I notice we're also working on Class V Planetary Shields! Someday, I dream we may never fear war again!

2395

Cap: My dear friends the Alkari! Come build a snow avian with me! We've just developed Terra +40, and we're willing to share!

Arial: While you work on Advanced Eco Restoration? Sure thing! I notice GNN reporting you're first in production ... and I'm last! So, please, anything you'd like is fine with me!

2399

Ref: Zortium Armor and Dotomite Crystals open the way toward Improved Industrial Tech 5 and Fusion Drives as well as making beautiful gifts for all three of the races that are actually talking to us.

Kaxal: Except for the wee little problem that I already know how to make Dotomite Crystals myself!

Ref: Well, yeah, except for that.

2400

Ref: Oh! Did I mention that there's a Silicoid fleet due to reach Tau Cygni next year? We've been building some bases of course, while pushing Planetary shields like crazy, but thanks to some poor luck, they didn't come in until just this year. Fortunately, we had been preparing for just such an eventuality with our base spending (almost but not quite finishing a sixth base last year) and reserves. We'll have a shield up by the time the enemy reaches our world.

Cap: Enemy! No indeed! The poor misguided little stony people! They are our unwitting friends! Just like the Psilons and Alkari, who are receiving our new shields as gifts, while we research a Repulsor Beam.

SGotUN: As for "bad luck," wouldn't you say it's good luck that the planetaries came in this year?

Ref: I would not. Your scientists' reports always cut the odds of success in half, and they were claiming something like 48%. There are two huge ships in that stack, and when I say we were "pushing" those shields, I mean we were making sure!

FA: Wait, wasn't there an election this year though?

Ref: So they claim. We voted for Kaxal because it was inevitably indecisive again.

2401

Cap: What did I tell you about misguided friends? The Silicoids of course retreated once our Safety fighters did, with no casualties on either side. Five missile bases is five times as many as we need now that a shield's in place.

2403

Sedimin: Hrrrumph. You annoying, almost-but-not-quite-despicable Humans and your crazy Yehat leadership had better have a good reason for bugging me. It's barely been more than a decade since I broke our NAP and cut off communications, and now as soon as I turn my holoreceiver back on, you're leaping up to talk to me? This had better be good; that's all I can say.

Cap: Aw - sorry about that. We really just wanted to say hi. Nothing really to tell you about at all. Just good wishes for the latest holidays and a few little secrets known throughout the rest of the galaxy that your scientists might want to catch up on. Like Class V Planetaries, Class III Deflectors, Zortium Armor, Dotomite Crystals, and Terraforming +40. Willing to accept them, maybe?

Sedimin: ...

Sedimin: ...

Sedimin: Well, yeah, I guess that might be okay........

Cap: I guess you fell just a little behind while you were refusing to talk to us, eh? Think maybe you could let bygones be bygones and up our trade package to 250 BC per year?

Sedimin: Well, when you put it that way...

2404

Cap: Happy year of the Moo-Cow! Errrr ... Ox!

Ref: Aren't you getting a little ahead of yourself?

Cap: Well, a little, maybe. But the point is, our new tech is on me! Merculites for everybody! (Though the bugs seem to have 'em already...) Meanwhile, we can get started on Stinger Missiles for still more base impenetrability! Oh, and Sedimin is willing to agree to a NAP again!

Ref: I hear there's a dead pool on that treaty though, and no one's taking any more than fifteen years....

2408

Arial: This whole gift-giving thing you guys do is ridiculous! It's like we're a charity case or something!

Ref: "Or something"? Really?

Arial: Well, no more! We're not accepting any more gifts! ... For a while anyway ... and we're breaking our NAP with you into the bargain!

Ref: ... Suit yourself, I guess...

2411

Cap: As Amaterasu Omikami begins at last to resume her power, returning the day toward its proper length, it's time to contemplate the wonders of all the kami at our local shrines ... and fit giant space-faring mega robots with the Fusion engines we just developed and gave to all three non-birdy races!

Ref: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! "Form Blazing Sword!" I don't know what it has to do with Shinto, but at least it's Japanese! And anything that gives us a chance to talk about Voltron has got to be a good thing! Let's go with a Warp Dissipator next, to be sort of like a Transformers null ray! Go Starscream!

2412

SGotUN: Well, it may not be a blazing sword, but developing a Repulsor Beam while we start work on Class VI Deflector Shields and gifting it to the usual suspects has to be a good thing!

2415

Ref: A good thing it might be ... but everything has limits. The Klackons have chosen this year to break their NAP with us just like the Alkari. Singularly bad timing on their part, I'd say, as we've just developed a new battle computer and Advanced Eco for distribution to everyone who's still talking to us.

Ref: Yeah, so pretty much just the Psilons. Oh, the 'Coids get the Mark V computer too, but Advanced Eco is useless to them, obviously.

2416

Sedimin: Remember how we broke our NAP with you twenty or so years ago?

SGotUN: You mean just before you proceeded to fall light-years behind the rest of the galaxy in tech until you agreed to talk to us again?

Sedimin: Errrr ... yeah. Exactly. So, that worked out so well, we thought we'd do it again!

SGotUN: ...

FA: ...

SGotUN: ...

Sedimin: I see you're struck speechless by my brilliant strategic planning.

FA: We must be working with different definitions of "brilliant" here.

SGotUN: And "strategic."

Ref: And "planning."

Cap: I have to admit, I'm disappointed in these alien creatures. We've taught them virtually everything they know about technology, given them constant gifts without asking for anything in return...

Ref: ...and are virtually immune to attack by any of their fleets - in some cases more than just virtually - with plenty of production to ensure it stays that way...

Cap: And yet they keep breaking their peace pacts with us! Why?

Ref: Personally, I blame the pRNG. Plus they none of them have any room for expansion that doesn't involve laying waste to our overwhelmingly powerful Human empire. Of course, considering their chances of doing that successfully....

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Next: Conclusion

Imperium 16 - Caught Napping!

2355

Ref: Well, we're colonizing Tau Cygni and Vox this year alone, and that's after last year's six-system out-stripping report.

Cap: REF!!! This is supposed to be a FAMILY-FRIENDLY Holiday Special!

FA: ... I'm not going to ask.

Ref: You're learning! Okay, so we now know where all the alien homeworlds are, thanks to our scouting reports from non-homeworld yellow stars, and the Silicoids are no longer a threat to steal worlds from us, so we can sign them up for a non-aggression pact.

Cap: Thanks for the NAP, Sedimin; and could I interest you in boosting our trade to 125 BC per year? I could? Great!

Ref: Meanwhile, we'll spend a few peaceful years buil...

Cap: Happy to do business with you, Kaxal! Thanks for the NAP!

Ref: Wait, what?

Cap: We're the peacefulest peacers that ever peaced! We have non-aggression pacts with everyone we know now!

Ref: Captain, the bugs have at least range 6, plus plenty of tech for LR colships! We should know: We gifted Duralloy Armor and all kinds of environmental tech to them! There are still at least two worlds to explore and colonize that we can't keep them away from once we're NAPped!

Cap: ... Details, schmetails. We're at peace with everybody!

Ref: sigh....

2361

Cap: See what happens when we spread peace and love through the galaxy? We've managed to form a galactic council to resolve all our differences peacefully! I even voted for the Psilons, who we haven't even met, as a sign of good faith.

Ref: Of course, you wouldn't have done it if it would have made them our emperors or anything. Please note however that we already have a veto over all council proceedings!

Cap: That's because we're so peaceful and loving that everyone trusts us to do the right thing! No, really!

2364

Cap: I keep thinking something else important happened that I'm forgetting.

Ref: You mean like ECM 1 coming in three years ago, and picking Improved Robotic Controls III to advance?

Cap: Holy Cow, you're right!

Ref: I hope you're not going to count that as a homage to Hinduism for your whole inclusivity thing.

Cap: I have no idea what you're talking about, and I have a feeling I don't want to know. But the point is, We've had ECM 1 for three years, and giving it away totally slipped my mind! I was just so distracted by the tremendous success of the elections that I forgot we'd even researched it! Well, it's time to fix that!!! Haaaaaaaaaappy New Year!!! ECM for Silicoids! ECM for Bugs! Kiss at midnight! Have some eggnog! Drop the ball!

Ref: Wait, I thought dropping the ball was what you did for three years!

Cap: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! Ref, this is serious! How am I supposed to spread holiday cheer when my own copilot is doing nothing but snarking at me all the time?

Ref: Sorry; I couldn't help it. Thing is, you were right about your NAP policies bringing us a 2361 election!

Ref: We didn't take any planets that year, but the bugs did! They probably couldn't have colonized Aquilae if you hadn't given them a NAP; now it's going to be that much harder for us to get contact with the brains!

Cap: Errrr ... see? I told you I was right! As for those drawbacks and everything ... look. Why don't you try it my way for a while? If we're peaceful and loving enough, we're sure to win all the aliens' hearts. They can't very well join our cause though if we won't join in ourselves!

Ref: ... Well, I guess this is a holiday special. I'll give it a try. What am I supposed to do?

Cap: (Hands over a big sheaf of paper) I wrote a script! Just read your lines, okay?

Ref: (Paging through to find his place) Uh ... you don't have a thinner version, do you?...

Cap: That isn't your line!

2366

Ref: Wow, Proxima! Our ninth star! The GNN droid says we'll soon control the galaxy! How do you do it, Captain?!

Cap: It's all in the wrist! But there's more! We just developed Hand Lasers, and we can move along with Anti-Missile Rockets since they're cheap and we sure don't intend to use bombs!

Ref: How wise and brilliant of you, Captain Giving! Obviously you are totally great in every way, and all the female Yehat compete for a chance to swoon over you!

Cap: Uh, Ref?

Ref: Look, I lost my spot in the script. I'm sure that was more or less what you intended, right?

Cap: ...

Kaxal and Sedimin: (In unison) Thank you so much for the Hand Lasers! These are the best gifts we've ever seen!

Cap: See? someone's reading the script at least!

2367

Cap: Another year, another tech! And this one's a big deal! Enhanced Eco is cutting our factory costs by 60% in one swoop, and Kaxal is delighted to receive a copy too!

Ref: No doubt, and you are obviously both wise and smart, as well as cool in every known way, because you chose Controlled Radiated Environment, for a planet that other races will surely reach before us when we gift it to them and they auto-upgrade their colships before we can build one of our own, whereas those of us who are merely in our right minds might have taken Terra+40 instead.

Cap: (sigh) Lost your place again, did you? Try page seventy-nine hundred and eighty two.

Ref: Uh, the pages are numbered with egyption hieroglyphics in this section. Do I turn backward or forward?"

Cap: (Groans!)

2369

Ref: Take a look! It's the Alkari! The beautiful, backward, bird-brained Alkari! They must have finally pulled advanced range tech in! Check out their emperor Arial on the screen!

Cap: No kidding! And boy is he in luck today! Here, help me with my costume.

Ref: I'm afraid to look at your costume! Who are we offending today?

Cap: Offending?! That's not in the script anywhere!

Cap: Ha! I can spread holiday cheer without my costume! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaapy Eid al-Fitr, Arial! Ramadan is over, and it's time for a day of feasting! Just as it's traditional to give food to the poor, so I'm giving you and your poor birdies ECM 1, Duralloy, Enhanced Eco, Controlled Dead, and 100 BC of trade per year!

Ref: ...

Ref: ...

Ref: Just two things: One, since when is Ramadan a winter holiday, and two, since when are Alkari supposed to practice Islam?!

Cap: That's easy. One, since when are any of these winter holidays? You know how our flag is white as snow? Well, in Australia, the holiday season is in the middle of summer, a perfect time to go to the beach! So, the flag is white as foaming ocean breakers! Anyway, Eid al-Fitr was close enough to winter this year ... ish ... in the northern hemisphere. And two, haven't you read KnTenshi's "Clipped Wing Memoirs"?:

2370

FA: Class 2 Deflectors are in! And Captain Giving is giving the plans to the birds and rocks already, singing about some holiday I can't pronounce, while our engineers try to develop Class III Deflector Shields too! Three cheers for everybody!

2372

SGotUN: Good Heavens! (And I do believe the Captain is trying to get into all of them - that or none!) There are Humans living on Rha now, and GNN reports that we nearly control a majority of the galaxy! Leaders are trying to merge with us and everything! How could I ever have doubted?

2373

FA: Now he's giving our just-completed Deuterium to the insects, and saying something festive in what I believe is a form of Navajo! It's some language the bugs don't understand, at least! And it looks like we're starting work on Irridium Fuel Cells, to finally get contact with the Psilons someday!

2377

SGotUN: Another chance to vote for Meson in the last election, and now look at the Spirit fly! Our scientists just came through with robotic controls and IIT7 at the same time we colonized Jinga, and we're giving both our new techs as ... uh ... Kwanzaa gifts to everyone!

Ref: Except that the Rocks knew about RC3 already, so they missed out on that. We'll see what happens with Improved Space Scanner and Zortium Armor when they come in though!

Cap: No time for that! We're concentrating on Irridium!

2382

Cap: Irridium Fuel Cells! Yyyyyyyyessss! You know what this means! I've got my costume! Ref's got his script! It's time to meet some Psilons!!!!!

Ref: What in the galaxy?! What is this, a Sino-Carribean halloween?

Cap: Nay, me hearty! It be Holiday! The months-long winter celebration hallowed by Pastafarians around the world! There be so many scientist Pastafarians, I be sure there are Psilons among them!

Ref: But ... but....

Cap: Arrr! Haven't ye been touched by His noodly appendage then? All praise the Flying Spaghetti Monster! RAmen!

Ref: That can't be a real religion!

Cap: Sure it can be! Besides, I be looking to be all-inclusive, me jolly mate! Every religion, secular nondenominational celebration, pseudo-religion, non-religion, and anti-religion I can think of be getting equal treatment from me!

Ref: Right - they're all misrepresented equally.

Cap: Exactly!

Cap: ...

Cap: Wait.

_______________

Next: Ingratitude!

Imperium 16 - Rising Tide

2334

SGotUN: More than a sixth of the way to the jubilee, and we've only even met one race, we only even have one colony outside the North Pole, and we've only given a couple of gifts. It made sense at the time to hand you the reins of power - after all, you have a reputation - but...

Cap: It sounds like someone needs a good, healthy dose of holiday spirit!

Ref: And a better sense of timing for his complaints.

SGotUN: Wait, no one else even has three worlds yet?! Not even the Silicoids?

Ref: And your third world is Endoria, full of Artifacty goodness!

Cap: That place is going to make us some amazing gifts!

SGotUN: I have learned my lesson! No more will I question the Spirit of Giving and her faithful captain and copilot!

Ref: Good, because we've imposed some nutty variant rules here, and we don't want you questioning them too closely.

Cap: He means, "And a wisely learned lesson it was!"

2339

FA: And Moro makes four! This is great!

SGotUN: Just one question, oh wise teachers who I'm trying not to complain about anymore. Why did you just settle straight toward the heart of Silicoid space instead of trying to make contact with other races?

Ref: I wanted to make sure the place didn't get poached, and forgot that Silicoids on Average don't show up with armed starships pretty much until the game ends.

Cap: By which of course he means, it's a hotly contested planet and we didn't want it to fall into the wrong hands.

Ref: Nope. Other planets were way more contested - by races that put guns on their spaceships. My bad. Sorry.

Cap: Will you please let me handle the spin here? Please?

2341

FA: Aiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

Ref: ... Is there a reason you're dressed as a vampire, Captain Giving?

Cap: (Splutter) Vampire?! I'm a jolly old elf! In a red suit!

FA: Jolly old elf with talons and a huge, sharp beak!

Ref: And what appear to be bat-wing rib lines on your ... uh ... robe.

Cap: But look at my beard!

SGotUN: Oh, so that's what it's supposed to be!

Cap: Look, we've just developed Dead colony bases, we're starting on Enhanced Eco Restoration because it's the first cleanup tech we've even seen, and it's time to give tech to the Silicoids again, so....

Ref: Silicoids can't use Controlled Dead, Captain.

Cap: ...

Ref: They can live everywhere already.

Cap: ...

2345-6

Cap: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Ajax! We're out to five worlds, and starting on computer research! ECM Jammer Mark I is up first - just because it's nice and cheap! We won't need intel or targeting, I believe! Ho, ho, ho!

FA: Is he ever going to take that suit off?

Ref: Just give him a few more years.

2347

FA: Breaking news! The Klackon ant people have just developed Range 6 or something!

Ref: Believe it or not, you can see all of the Human, Silicoid, and Klackon empires on this screen - although our Artifacts world of Endoria appears only by proxy (my cursor is also pointing in its general direction).

Cap: Ho, ho ... huh. But why doesn't it say "No Events" in the upper left-hand corner of the screen?

Ref: Because I forgot to turn events off until a GNN report came along in 2352. Fortunately, it was just one of those demographics things, and it reminded me to turn events off before any of them actually happened.

FA: But ... but it's only 2347! What do you mean, "came along in 2352"?!

Ref: Shhhhhh! This is OOC stuff! You're not supposed to be listening!

Cap: Anyway, I'm off to wish the ants a Merry Christmas!

Ref: ... You think the bugs are Christian? Seriously?

Cap: Sure! Why not? There's room for everybody of all faith-and-species combinations in our holiday season!

Ref: Can you imagine an insectoid immaculate conception? Wouldn't that mean about nine hundred million fatherless eggs?

Cap: Will you please stop raining on my Thanksgiving Day parade? Ahem! Ho, ho, ho! Meeeerrrrrrrrrrrrry Christmas, Kaxal! How about some Duralloy in your stocking? And some Terra +10! And some Controlled Dead Environment! Ho, ho, ho! Now, would you be willing to trade 75 BC per year?

Cap: I knew it! Merrrrrrrrrrry...

Ref: Uh, that's enough ho-ing and stuff, okay?

Cap: Awwww ... but I was just starting to hit my stride!

2350-51

Cap: Do we have to open the other tech fields?

Ref: I explained about propulsion already, the humans are excellent at force fields, we'll need some defense against enemy attacks, and we're all out of gifts in the other fields.

Cap: Sigh ... I guess you're right. What have we got to research?

Ref: Class II Deflector Shields, obviously, plus Deuterium Fuel Cells instead of nothing, and Hand Lasers instead of actual options, just to advance the tree quickly. If the aliens get spores, I'd rather have real missiles sooner rather than Hyper-Vaporware soonest anyway.

Cap: You're making the very uncharitable assumption that they're going to attack in the first place! Come on! Let's spread some more holiday cheer!

2354

SGotUN: Haaaaaaaaaaallelujah!

Cap: That's the spirit!

SGotUN: Hurray! We have like three times as many planets as anybody else!

Cap: ... Errrrr ... well, that's sort of the spirit....

FA: At least he's not complaining any more.

Cap: Good point. Close enough!

Ref: I'm feeling pretty charitable myself! Which religious or cultural group is it that says, "A rising tide lifts all boats"?

Cap: Dunno. Some group that's never seen a boat with a hole in it, I guess.

_______________

Next: Caught Napping!

Imperium 16 - Rocky Start

2300
Secretary General of the United Nations: Whatever shall we do? We're going to look like fools, showing up at the pan-galactic jubilee party with no gifts to brag about giving!

Faceless Advisor: It is indeed a great tragedy. Why, in just ... wait! Look! It's a curiously unarmed Yehat Terminator fighter, decked out in festive holiday lights! Can it be? Dare we hope?

SGotUN: It is! The Spirit of Giving!

FA: And his copilot, Refwhatsit! Giving's copilot, that is, and co-owner of the Spirit! We're saved!

Ref: The pun was bad enough before you explained it, Faceless Advisor!

FA: But ... wait, how do you know my name?

Captain Giving: All will be revealed in due time! Unless we forget! Now, let's get to work! There are gifts to be made!

2305

SGotUN: You guys have been ruling us half a decade, and what do we have to show for it? True, there's our new colony at Zhardan, but a whole fortieth of the time before the jubilee has passed, and we haven't even begun work on a gift for the aliens! What am I to tell my people?

Cap'n G: Oh, ye of little faith...

SGotUN: (Attempts to pick his jaw up off the floor, where it has fallen)

Ref: Hey, Duralloy Armor! That's easily my best ART world tech draw in an Imperium to date! Still not an economic tech, but I'll take it! Maybe I should make my variant even crazier!

FA: What are you talking about?!?!?!

Ref: Can we get him out of here?

2306

SGotUN: Okay, we're all impressed by Duralloy, but wasn't that just dumb luck?

Cap: Nothing's dumb luck, Secretary General. It's all directed by the hand of your deity of choice! Or, if you happen to be an atheist or agnostic, it is a result of the amazing nature of existence itself - chaotic events varying with quantum fluctuations throughout the universe!

Ref: And here I thought it was just a pseudo-random number generator.

Cap: Anyway, you didn't think we were sending our Scouts and Greetings(es) out through the galaxy so quickly just to say hi to the aliens at the earliest possible date, now did you? We made every effort to be the first to every possible star, partly in the hope of finding something just like we did! Anyway, you'll be pleased to know we've also started funding your scientists' work on Improved Terraforming +10.

FA: You'll be less pleased to know that we've already lost a starship though: One of the old Scouts we commissioned.

Cap: Ah, the will of God and/or the will of the gods is unknowable, and/or the random fluctuation of quantum events includes a level of uncertainty. Do not...

Ref: Captain Giving, with all due respect, can we just mourn for the pilot and move on? The Guardian ate him. He died in a good(ish) cause. Tell Faceless Advisor and the Sec. Gen. to get over it.

Cap: Hey, I'm trying to wax poetic in a totally-inclusive-of-all-faiths-and-non-faith-based-celebrations-and-anti-faiths-alike kind of way here! I was on a roll!

Ref: Yeah, but if you go on like this, I'm pretty sure just about all faiths and non-faiths alike will consider you a blasphemer, a blithering idiot, or both.

Cap: No way! When I'm so inclusive? Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet!

Ref: ... Uh-oh....

2307-9

FA: Great news! We have first contact with an alien race! I mean, sort of. Our Greetings(es) ... uh ... (reads Captain Giving's script) offered the hand of friendship to a bunch of alien Scouts and even a Colony Ship! Which, uh, promptly ran away.

SGotUN: Why would they do such a thing?

Cap: Maybe we should have put some more peace signs and hearts and smiley faces on the giant, automatically-waving, inflatable Hands of Friendship we installed on our ships.

Ref: I'm pretty sure we already covered every possible square milimeter....

SGotUN: Forget I asked, okay?

Ref: On the plus side, we now pretty much know for sure where Kholdan, Altair, and Cryslon are!

FA: What's a Kholdan? Oh, Altair's a star, right? But what about that other one? Did you mean Crysmas?

Ref: ...

2319-23

SGotUN: Wow, I doubted you guys at first, but look at the progress we're making!

Ref: Yup, it's great to have new terraforming technology, and we already know of at least one place to use Controlled Dead Environment - although there'd be something to be said for going for cheaper Terra+20, which we might even be able to gift to the rocks when it comes in.

Cap: Plus, we're working on Improved Industrial Tech 7 now, the best of the three available techs in the field!

Ref: Although starting with a quick grab of IIT9 would have been way better; it wouldn't delay 7 meaningfully, and would speed things up in the meantime.

Cap: Oh, hush. Anyway, I was going to open propulsion research by now too, but with Duralloy and terraforming and everything, we can build long-range colony ships already, so there's not that much point.

Ref: Yes, there is, for some of the same reasons we sent all those Greetings...es... out so early. Plus, we'd get contact with aliens faster.

Cap: Look, you're supposed to be my copilot. Will you stop contradicting me?

Ref: Oops. Sorry. No propulsion it is.

2325

Ref: Hey! Looks like someone's not ignoring propulsion research! We just got a call from Sedimin, from his two-planet empire of Fertile Neptunus and Cryslon!

Cap: All right! Time to really show the Humans the meaning of the holiday season! Now, which religious or non-religious winter holiday should I represent first?

Ref: ... Which ... reli... WHAT?!?!

Cap: They did name their home star Cryslon, as Faceless so kindly pointed out, but the spelling's not right, and what's with the "lon" anyway? Hmmm ... wait, I've got it!

Ref: ... A nine-branched menorah? Dreidels? Chocolate Maccabees? Whaaaaaat?! What do Silicoids have to do with Judaism?

Cap: Not just Judaism: Hanukah!!! You'll see!

Ref: (Closes his eyes, afraid to look. Unfortunately...)

Ref: !!! What in the name of Stephen Barcia was that?!

SGotUN: That was us giving our first two gifts: Duralloy and Terra +10! Plus, they agreed to trade 50 BC per year with us! Yay!!!

Ref: No, I meant that horrifying screeching!

Cap: - Ahem - that was "Rock of Ages," a (slightly [mis]translated) traditional Hanukah song!

Ref: ... Yeah, well, I've heard conflicting messages about what something called "Gehenom" is supposed to be, so you'd better hope Jews really don't believe in hell.

Cap: You mean they'd think singing that song to a literal rock is idolatry?

Ref: I mean you used it as an excuse to do what you call singing! Good gravy! I thought we avians were supposed to be good at that sort of thing!

FA: Ever heard a mocking bird imitate a car alarm?

Ref: ...

Cap: Some copilot you turned out to be!

_______________

Next: The Rising Tide

Imperium 16 - Introduction

With a deceptively simple scoring system, this game offers lots of potential trade-offs: Do you give all possible tech gifts to all possible aliens as soon as possible, or hoard important expansion techs to ensure contact with all races and better tech speeds for more valuable gifts later on? Will it be worthwhile to exchange techs with one race so as to be able to gift techs that aren't even in your tree to the other three races, or is it better to rely on spying? Should research be arranged to bring in the early techs fastest, or concentrated on economic techs for better teching later on? With enough care and planning in deciding the answers to all these questions, I'll bet I could micromanage and milk my way to an unbelievable score! In a game that I know I'll never lose, let's see what's possible, shall we?

Naaaaaah.

Variant: Family-Friendly, Fun-Filled Holiday Spectacular! The famous Captain Giving of the good ship Spirit (with his loyal copilot RefSteel) has received an emergency message from the Human Government, located at the "top of the world" at the North Pole! The Holiday Season is upon us, with just 200 years to go before the 2500 Jubilee, and the Humans just discovered four powerful races to add to their holiday gift list! They've used up their whole holiday budget, and don't know what to do! After all, what do you get for the interstellar emperor who has everything? It's time for Giving and Ref to answer the call, take charge of the Human empire, and teach humankind the real meaning of the holidays: Peace on Earth, and Goodwill Toward Bug-Eyed Aliens!

My Variant Rules:
1. Peace: I may never attack! No sending starships to known alien colonies. (Exception: As a last resort to prevent genocide; see 3, below.) No sending armed starships to any neutral world unless I expect to have a colony there by the time they arrive. I may defend Human worlds, but timing out alien ships or forcing them to retreat is far preferable to actually fighting when possible. In case of war, I must always accept any direct offer of peace (I need not accede to demands however, even to achieve peace). I may not issue threats, nor request war declarations (even against a race that is at war with me already) and must always refuse allies who would have me declare war on their enemies.
2. Love: I must gift any tech that an AI will accept at the first opportunity I notice. These will of course be recorded for scoring purposes, though I won't exactly be playing for score. I may not however spy on my fellow races - not even see-what-they've-got hide spying! - and may never break any treaty of my own accord.
3. Family: This is a family-friendly game! The good guys must win, and the bad guys must all survive and see the error of their ways. Every effort must be made to keep all four alien races alive throughout the game (besides, it doubles my score!) even if it means sending fleets to defend their final planets for them (in spite of 1, above). Every effort must likewise be made to win an election unanimously (without resorting to enemy-of-my-enemy). The first opportunity to take such a victory must be accepted even if it would reduce my score. (Exception: If I'm having way too much fun to stop, I'll keep playing.)

Cue the uplifting feel-good holiday music (no, don't actually cue it - just pretend it's starting! Good heavens, haven't you had enough of that sort of music in the past couple months already?) and get ready for a Very Special Episode of Master of Orion!

Read On!