Imperium 33 - Conclusion

[We pick up the narrative with the final scenes (at last!) of the movie.]

SCENE 2501
Imperial War Room for the Orion Sector. The USUAL SUSPECTS are observing their tactical holomap.

REFSITH: I've just confirmed reports that the Alkari have followed the Mrrshans into oblivion.

WIN: Excellent. Transports are already en route to the human home star; dispatch both halves of our main assault force.

WIN: The last of the rebels shall soon be mine.

SCENE 2504
Imperial Holonews Chamber. DAR REFSITH is displaying the information terminal to CAPTAIN KIRK AIRGUITAR, who is wearing energy shackles, and held by two DARLOK IMPERIAL GUARDS. The display lights up, REVEALING C3-D0 THE NEWSDROID, who reports on various Darlok economic indicators and the curious rise in school and laboratory construction, out of all proportion to the now-insignificant trickle of new retrofitable unknown technologies from the rebels' few remaining holdout worlds.

REFSITH: Well, some people watch him on a flat screen, but we prefer the holo-display.

AIRGUITAR: Oh, I see: 3-D! Oh, how cool!

REFSITH: You bet! It's amazing what they're doing with modern technology. Droids even have emotions! In fact, C3-D0 is actually married!

AIRGUITAR: What?! There are girl droids?!

REFSITH: Sure! They just use letters in place of the final numbers in their names. Take C3-D0's wife, for instance.

C3-D0: Please!

REFSITH: Thanks for that. Anyway, she's B8-FL. Their wedding was open to everyone, not just droids, and it was all catered by this one droid master-chef, B4-U8. And presiding over the ceremonies, they had a special marriage-protocol droid, U2-R1.

AIRGUITAR: All right, that's it! One more droid pun, and I'm going to...

REFSITH: B2-R8 to speak to me? Good choice. He's a great protocol droid to use when your emotions get the better of you.

AIRGUITAR: (Speechless, seething)

REFSITH: Uh, you'd better take the floor, C3-D0. He may explode if I make another, and I'm not sure I can stop myself....

AIRGUITAR: "Also in the news?!" His top story is some merchant giving you guys two trillion credits you'll never even use? When you just wiped out the entire Sakkra race in the Orion sector?!

REFSITH: Well, yeah. Wiping out rebel races has kind of become routine. Here; let me show you. Check out the way the sector has evolved in just the last six years.

AIRGUITAR: ulp.


SCENE 2505
Imperial War Room for the Orion Sector. DARK LORD DAR WIN OF THE SITH is grinning up at images of his sector's IMPERIAL STARFLEET as DAR REFSITH enters the room.

REFSITH: Whoa. Thirty-six hundred Tiffy Bombers? Isn't that kind of overkill?

WIN: What else would the Emperor have permitted us to build? And don't even get started on the Interdictors. I'm well aware their name is misspelled. I'm also well aware that's a better name for a Dissipator cruiser. They turned out to be really effective ships with their repulsors and auto-repair anyway.

REFSITH: Uh-huh. And what about those Modified Corvettes?

WIN: The Scatter VII Missile boats? They're a total waste of space. I tried them out on a whim, and promptly discarded it afterward. Now, what did you come in for?

REFSITH: Just to report that we've lost our "honored guest." He started singing, and one of his guards hit him with a full-charge blast from a fusion rifle. This is all that's left of the poor guy. (Presents a smouldering toupee.) Should we court-martial the guard, do you think?

WIN: Airguitar was singing? No. Obviously a case of justifiable homicide. Now excuse me; I'm giving the orders for our starfleet to bomb that final human world out of existence.


SCENE 2606
Interplanetary space. A SITH TRANSPORT SHIP and ESCORTS approach ORION PRIME from the NIGHT side. DARK LORD DAR WIN OF THE SITH and DAR REFSITH are VISIBLE in the transparent upper cockpit of the SITH TRANSPORT SHIP. As THE GUARDIAN moves around the world toward combat range, DARK LORD DAR WIN OF THE SITH adjusts a series of controls, and the GUARDIAN slows, turns, and joins the escort.

WIN: The last of the rebels have been wiped out! Now I, and I alone, control the Dark Side of Orion! And with its power, I soon shall rule not only the Orion Sector, but the entire galaxy ... and beyond!

REFSITH: Uh-huh. I happen to notice that we wiped out the rebels in spite of their alliance and in spite of their control over the Orion Force. What makes you think you'll fare better than they did?

WIN: Simple. The Emperor is a superstitious whack job who refuses to allow anyone to do research for fear of offending the Dark Side of the Orion Force or whatever. I however, as of now, am initiating scientific research on all the worlds in the Orion sector, using the Dark Side of Orion merely as a screen to prevent the emperor from realizing what I'm doing. No single technology, nor even a whole stream of them provided by some fantastic Orion Force, nor any amount of mystic mumbo jumbo, can stand up to objectively-reasoned hypotheses tested against verifiable fact. The Emperor, like each of the Rebels, is going down.

REFSITH: Wait a minute! Your name isn't Win! Dar isn't a title! Dar win is your real name! And with a space in a silly and unexpected place, that can only mean....

WIN: That's right! (Removes his cowl, REVEALING his black helmet, then removes that, REVEALING...) I'm a PSILON IN DISGUISE!!! Just like Zygot ! And (eyes narrowing) I have no room for Dark Lords of the Sith or any other priests of dark religions and superstitions in my cabinet!

REFSITH: Ha! I'll bet you don't! But I'm not a Dar either - in fact, everyone just assumed I should have the title because of the Sith in my name! I'm RefSith Meep Gleep, and I.... (Removes his cowl, REVEALING...) ...am a Yehat Terminator copilot!!!

DAR WIN: Dude!

REFSITH MEEP GLEEP: Dude!!!

BOTH IN UNISON: Let's rock this galaxy!!!!!

GHOSTLY FORCE-APPARITION OF KIRK AIRGUITAR: Buuuum-BUM bum-ba-ba...

EVERYONE AVAILABLE AND THEN SOME: SHUT UP ALREADY!!!

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Back to the Front Page

Imperium 33 - Special Effects

[Editor's Note: Following Scene 2475, writer/director Jorge Kirkas appeared to run out of plot ideas, so he proceeded with dozens of scenes consisting pretty much exclusively of combat-related special effects. This of course is the strength of this move, and the excerpts that follow here should give you a general idea of what was going on.]

_______________

Next: The Thrilling Conclusion

Imperium 33 - Return of the Jetty

SCENE 2421
Eerily glowing hilltop overlooking an eerily glowing plain with eerily glowing mist rising everywhere, NIGHT. DARK LORD DAR WIN OF THE SITH stands at the hilltop, looking down at a nearby city, its buildings also glowing eerily. Beside him stands a GROVELLING ADVISOR in a massive radiation suit which allows him virtually no freedom of motion but looks really cool, and is naturally available as an Action Figure Accessory from KirkasArts for just $19.84.

WIN: So. This is the site of last year's accident.

GROVELLING ADVISOR: Yes, your dark lordship. As you can see, we've cleaned it up good as new. No radioactive waste at all to speak of anymore, no sir!

WIN: Apart from the fact that the entire planet is now a radiated husk of its former self, of course.

GROVELING ADVISOR: But we've terraformed it just as much as was Darlokly possible too, your dark lordship! See? See those habitation modules and...

WIN: Enough! Aquilae was once a vibrant world, and your negligence has turned it into this!

GROVELING ADVISOR: No! Please! There was nothing we...

WIN: Ha! Just kidding! It's not your fault; it's just the pRNG again. Carry on.

GROVELING ADVISOR: (Passes out from shock and relief.)

WIN: (Activates his wrist-mounted portable holo-transmitter, causing DAR REFSITH to appear as a shimmering hologram) You were correct. No sign of rebel sabotage ... this time.

REFSITH: I didn't realize your biomechanical life support system provided radiation shielding.

WIN: You keep underestimating the Dark Side.

REFSITH: Oh, right. I thought I should let you know about that Silicoid fleet bound for Obaca. Five cruisers and a couple of colships. We should have almost a dozen bases up behind the planetary shield by the time they arrive though, so....

WIN: Very well, since we already know those things only carry beams. But in the future, I should like to see even greater overkill. There is an Alkari fleet on its way here, and though we'll have plenty of bases in place, I think it's time to unveil our accidentally-constructed wonder!

REFSITH: (gasps!) You mean...


SCENE 2424
Deep space, in orbit above the once-arid radiated world Aquilae II. A rebel assault fleet materializes out of hyperspace, on final approach: 14 SPARROWHAWK FIGHTERS, 3 FALCON DESTROYERS, and three Alkari Cruisers: A single COLONY SHIP, the WAR EAGLE, and the WAR HAWK. With 14 missile bases on the surface, the planet can take care of itself anyway, but it's not alone: Across the horizon swoop its defenders: Ninety SINE FIGHTERS (SIngle Nuclear Engine) and the grand flagship of the Orion Sector fleet:

An IMPERIAL STAR ANNOYER!


SCENE 2437
Imperial War Room for the Orion Sector. The USUAL SUSPECTS are VISIBLE.

REFSITH: I came as soon as I could. Can the reports be true? Thirty-seven of them were due to arrive at Firma this year - together with a Shark cruiser and a couple more of their Silicoid colships!

WIN: Our scanners don't lie. Those Mako-lamari cruisers carry seven death spore pods apiece - and back them up with heavy ion cannons.

REFSITH: (Shudders) I hate to see the wreck they left behind them. What did we have up there, ten missile bases? With just Hyper-Vs?

WIN: That ... and a part of our star fleet. Thirteen TWINE Fighters (TWIn Nuclear Engines) couldn't accomplish much...

REFSITH: Basically, they could just die.

WIN: ...but then the Star Annoyer was there too. AND the new Star Harasser!

REFSITH: ... You can't mean....

WIN: Not a single spore fell. We lost our fighters, yes, but not the capital ships. The rebel fleet was destroyed.


SCENE 2440
Set of "Dar Lene and Dar Cy in the Morning" The show's HOSTS are sitting in comfy-looking arm chairs but are actually undergoing agonizing contortions so as to look good for the holocamera. Their gigantic glow-in-the-dark smiles are actually pinned into the lining of their cowls. Dar Lene is a trim and attractive young Darlok female; Dar Cy is a handsome and genteel young Darlok male. It is however impossible for humans to tell them from aging, frumpy Darloks of either gender just by looking at their cloaks.

LENE: Good morning, everybody! We've got a special guest for our program today ... but first, here's exclusive footage, from one of our leading citizens: Dar Kandstormynight!

CY: That's right - here's his footage of our own intrepid Dar T'Gun at the Mrrshan homeworld, lifting their plans for Fusion Drives, while half a galaxy away, Dar Ling is sneaking away from the lizard world of Yarrow ... with the designs for their massive Battle Suits!

LENE: Go spy-babies! Now to introduce our special guest: To know him is to fear him, to serve him is to maybe go on living - please welcome our very own Dark Lord Dar Win of the Sith!!!

(Thundering applause fills the studio, politely joined by DAR LENE and DAR CY as the sound of heavy artificially-assisted breathing announces the arrival of THEIR GUEST.)

WIN: Thank you. It is a pleasure to see the efficiency with which our agents are operating. If not for the fusion rifles lately provided to the rebels by the Orion Force, we would be near enough to ground combat parity to risk an invasion.

LENE: What about those Fusion Drives, your dark lordship? And doesn't Dar T'Gun look cute in that little black cloak of his?

WIN: Well, we've stolen and reverse-engineered over a dozen techs since the turn of the century, including an inertial stabilizer and - lately - dotomite crystals for 7-parsec range, so these drives are basically going to let our bombers play Old Harry with every planet in the galaxy. That is, if the Orion Force ever gets around to giving those idiotic rebels some bombs for us to steal. Also, if you ask me another fashion question, I may feel compelled to liven up your broadcast with a live demonstration of the Dark Side's power over the tracheal region.

CY: Ladies and gentlemen, our Dark Lord of the Sith!!!

(Much more thundering applause even than before)


SCENE 2444
Deep Sssla orbit. 232 TWINE Bombers, in company with the STAR ANNOYER and STAR HARASSER, scan the planet's two dozen missile bases, while 38 HYDRA CRUISERS and 7 DRAGON BATTLESHIPS await them.

IMPERIAL OFFICER: (OVER) This is Captain Milk of the Imperial Star Harasser. Those ships are heavily armed, and not that poorly designed. This is going to be a rough one.

DIFFERENT IMPERIAL OFFICER: (OVER) Oh, no it's not, Captain Milk. This is Captain Cookies of the Star Annoyer! Check out those stars in the background! They're blue as the seas of Kronos! And check out your planetary scan! That thing's got its shields intact! We must be in a pocket of normal space in here!

MILK: Blast it; I was sure the Sssla system was in the nebula! All right; all ships retreat immediately! We can't bust those planetary shields with nukes! I repeat....


SCENE 2461
Imperial War Room for the Orion Sector. The USUAL SUSPECTS are present, and the galactic map is lit up in holodisplay.

REFSITH: No joke. Personal Absorption Shield from an Alkari base, and we just picked up Controlled Radiated out at Tyr.

WIN: (Suspiciously) I thought Silicoids couldn't use Controlled Environment Tech.

REFSITH: It's Final War. They take everything anyway. Besides, it helps them with miniaturization and productivity.

WIN: Very well. We shan't need it right away, but that's still excellent news. Now no star in the galaxy but Orion and the asteroids will be closed to me. And more importantly ... we finished reverse-engineering Fusion Rifles four years ago, and Combat Exoskeletons two years later. They still have no new armor technology. With these absorption shields, we're a match for the rebels on the ground ... finally!

WIN: Over a hundred million Darloks are setting out as we speak. Still more will set out shortly, from Firma, Obaca, and Aquilae. Kronos still has no missile bases, and no planetary shield. It has no starfleet in orbit, and our ships are on their way to ensure it stays that way. What it does have is nearly a hundred factories! That planet is ours, and it now will return to the fold. The time has come, RefSith!


2463
Imperial Holochamber, Night. Don't forget that children of all ages can enjoy their very own KirkasArts Imperial Holochamber Play Set with light-up display screen for just $159.99! DARK LORD DAR WIN OF THE SITH is VISIBLE (action figure not included) - observing the battle at Kronos.

WIN: Colonel Uvtrooth, report!

(The holodisplay, shimmers, and COLONEL CONFUSION is now VISIBLE in the foreground of the holo-image)

CONFUSION: Colonel Confusion reporting, your dark lordship. I fear Colonel Uvtruth is no longer with us. The Silicoids killed us at a preposterous rate under the circumstances - worse than four to three - and he was among the casualties.

WIN: And when did you take command?

CONFUSION: At 08:17 hours, your dark lordship.

WIN: I observed the battle. It took a decided turn for the better when new tactics began to be implemented at about that time.

CONFUSION: I only did my best to promote chaos among the ranks of the enemy, your dark lordship. In the end, we came on so fast, they weren't able to destroy all their records. We now have plans for soil enrichment and a warp dissipator from their factory-labs.

WIN: Indeed. You have done well ... General Confusion.

CONFUSION: Many thanks, your dark lordship! You must be in a terrific mood!

WIN: After your victory over the vile Silicoids? But it's true, there is more. Not long ago, Dar T'Gun was in Silicoid space too - on the planet Arietis - and he found plans that will cut our industrial waste to 40% of Galactic Standard. And just prior to that, Dar Tegnan had left Phantos ... with the lizards' plans for an anti-matter bomb. We can fit one on a TFE fighter-class Bomber hull already.

CONFUSION: Um, Tiffy?

WIN: (Complacently) The new TFE Bomber. Twin. Fusion. Engine. Carrying Anti-Matter Bombs, Stabilizers, and powerful computers. And we've achieved ground combat parity, as you demonstrated for me. The rebellion is over, General; it just doesn't know it yet. The war is won.


SCENE 2466
New Yard City on the surface of Imra. Toxic gasses roil through the air beyond the edge of the city's glowing energy shield, while pulsating energy crystals scattered across the plain testify to the world's mineral ultra-wealth. GENERAL IZAYSHUN is reporting to a hologram of DARK LORD DAR WIN OF THE SITH.

IZAYSHUN: I heard the reports of Major Inhistory's victory at Lyae two years ago. It's always good to have great officers in the army, even if they're just cleaning up little baby Sili colonies in our own midst, but it's better to do well yourself than get by on the skills of others. Of course the Tiffy Bombers and Star Hurter and Star Harmer did their work, but it's always good to report a big victory on the ground too.

WIN: Will you please stop speaking in ... ... oh. At least I see that you won - and handily. Did you manage to acquire any techs while you were down there by any chance?

IZAYSHUN: Did we? We pretty much cleaned up down here. They've got nothing on us anymore but a few bits of junk we don't need.

WIN: Ah. We got it all then? Everything important? Megabolts? Battle Computer Mark VII? Terraforming +40? IIT5? Bio Toxin Antidote?

IZAYSHUN: Errrr, welllll ... not the antidote as such but....

WIN: (Glowering) I see. And you said we got everything we needed. It seems you need to learn the plight of the Darloks who would die in case of a Death Spore raid while we still lack that antidote. And maybe you'll learn to speak in specifics while you're about it. I'm reassigning you, effective immediately, to help guard Silicoid government assets on that world as we redistribute them to members of the Darlok public.

IZAYSHUN: (Horrified) You mean I'm not...

WIN: I think you know exactly what I mean ... Private Izayshun.


SCENE 2471
Imperial Holonews Chamber, Night. The USUAL SUSPECTS are back together again.

REFSITH: I've got the cloning plans we just reverse-engineered from Alkari vat blueprints here. So that brings us back to the point we reached with our invasion of Dolz back in '69: Total tech parity.

WIN: (Nodding) Under the circumstances, it was better to break contact with the Mrrshans than to preserve it. With no tech deficit to make up, we have no need of extra targets for our spies.

REFSITH: Sure. I noticed on the way over though: Why don't we have any transports en route to Keeta?

WIN: That little snowball? Who needs it? Just a moment ago, we bombed it out of existence instead.

REFSITH: Think that'll make the news?

WIN: ...

REFSITH: ...

WIN: Well, I did foreshadow this in Scene 2326, you know. What a lousy second planet.


SCENE 2475
Imperial War Room for the Orion Sector. The USUAL SUSPECTS face each other across an inactive holomap display.

WIN: I suppose this was inevitable once their dreadnought took its orbit.

REFSITH: We did get rid of it finally, and killed a bunch of their transports, but there wasn't really much point any more, since the factories had all been bombed away. Kronos is no great loss; the planet was virtually empty of minerals anyway.

WIN: So, the rebels control Kronos again: A bunch of rocks have returned to the ocean, trying to shield their harbor from the storm.

REFSITH: Yeah. A regular jetty.

WIN: Commence orbital bombardment at the first opportunity. They all shall die.

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Next: Cool Special Effects!

Imperium 33 - The Rebels Strike Back

SCENE 2362
Orion High Council Chamber, Night

Screens light up in a wide circle around the central holodisplay, displaying the images of the Orion Sector's six leaders, plus a handful of important supernumeraries. They look around at each other in shock.

FARSEER: What is this place? What are we doing here? I was in the middle of my favorite tri-D show!

COMPUTERIZED VOICE FROM ON HIGH: By the Power of Orion, you have been brought together for the Democratic Process. It is time to choose a High Master of the Galaxy!

REFSITH: (Peeking in from the corner of WIN's image) Hey - what's the term of office?

CVFOH: Eternity.

REFSITH: ...

CVFOH: You bet. It's for keeps! The ultimate democracy! A Democracy to end all democracy!

REFSITH: ... You can say that again.

KIRK AIRGUITAR: All right! Go, go democratic process! Take that, so-called Galactic Emperor! Buuuuuuuum-BUM-bum-ba-ba BUUUUUM-bum! Bum-ba-ba...

EVERYONE WITHIN HEARING: (Winces and covers their ears)

AIRGUITAR: Hey, what's wrong? This is supposed to be a time of celebration! The Power of Orion is proving no emperor can possibly match its phenomenal ... uh ... you know.

CVFOH: Cast thy votes!

WIN: (Aside to DAR REFSITH) Okay, you were right; we maybe shouldn't have colonized Guradas this year, given the diplomatic situation.

REFSITH: (Trying to look on the bright side) Hey, at least we finished that solar rejuvenator thing at Kronos. And, uh, the birds' orbital bombardment at Aquilae only took out two factories....

WIN: The Alkari have a fleet at Aquilae?

REFSITH: Er, looks that way, yeah.

WIN: Any idea why nobody bothered telling me?

REFSITH: Maybe they thought you were busy. Anyway, we'll dislodge it right away! Oh, and hey: It's your turn to vote.

WIN: Don't you mean the Darloks' turn?

REFSITH: No, apparently this form of democracy consists of military dictators voting on behalf of their people according to what they think is best for themselves personally.

WIN: So, it's the U.N. model, huh?

REFSITH: No, they've improved on that. At least here, the military dictators get more heavily weighted votes if they're ... uh ... representing ... a larger number of people.

WIN: Then I should get all the votes. I'm representing the Galactic Empire. It controls the whole galaxy. I vote for me.

CVFOH: You get four votes. Only your Darloks count. Also, the Silicoids gave you three votes. Also, the Monkeys got everybody else's votes. That's fourteen.

AIRGUITAR: Haha, if you had one more vote, or if the Silicoids did, or if any of the other races had one less, hahahahaha, but no! You lose! Ha ha-ha HA-ha!Yoooouuuuuuoooouuuu loooooooooooose! We win! We rule! We're better than everyone! Buuuuum-BUM bum-ba-ba...

WIN: No, I don't.

AIRGUITAR: ...BAAAAAAAAA-bum! Bum-ba ... wait, what?

WIN: I don't lose. Check out my name. It's the opposite of lose.

AIRGUITAR: What are you trying to say?

DURASH IV: Um, here, Kirk. Let me handle this one. I'm the one they voted for, after all.

DURASH IV: You are so dead, Dar Win. We have the Orion Force on our side! And now we're forever united in a permanent tech-sharing super-alliance!

WIN: Fine. Whatever. Have fun with that. C'mon, Dar Refsith. Let's go home and start assembling a plan.


SCENE 2373
Poorly-lighted, sketchy-looking alley-type place with something vaguely resembling a sewer pipe dripping nearby; NIGHT. A clandestine meeting is taking place between DARK LORD DAR WIN OF THE SITH and his SPYMASTER WITH NO NAME. You can tell it's clandestine because the SPYMASTER is talking in a stage whisper.

WIN: This planet is my base of operations in the sector. I am pacifying the entire sector on the Emperor's orders. I have a really sweet high-tech office on the ninety-sixth floor of the Imperial Tall Pointy Building. Everybody knows you're my Spymaster. That's all anyone even calls you; you don't even have a proper name. Why do I have to meet you in this dingy ... (He looks around him) ... whatever-this-place-is?

NO NAME: Because then it's obvious we're doing top-secret, underhanded, not-for-the-public-eyes activities.

WIN: Not for the public eyes? Check out this holoclipping.

WIN: That's from Wednesday Mornings With Dar Lene and Dar Cy. Everybody knows about our new lizard-style Class 3 shields. Now will you just hand me the official list of reverse-engineered technologies?

NO NAME: Hsssssst. These are highly sensitive materials. Commit it to memory; paper can be found!

WIN: It's already been committed to holorecording a thousand times over. I just want it in official report format so we can...

NO NAME: Ahem. Listen carefully. It's better not to report Ultimate Top Secrets more than once. Reduced Waste 80 from the Rocks in '63. Mark 3 computer from the birds in '64, and their Mark 2 ECM Jammer two years later. That was sandwiched around their failed invasion at Crypto. Nuke engines from the Silicoids four years ago, and their neutron pellet guns the very next year. Two different rockets in '72: Alkari Anti-Missiles and Sakkra Hyper-Vs. And the coup de grace, this year...

WIN: I know. It was on the Morning Show, remember? Tell you what, if I tell you you're going to lift Terraforming +20 from the Silicoids next year, can you take time out from your busy schedule to actually TYPE UP THE REPORTS IN THE FORMAT I REQUESTED?!

NO NAME: (Pouting) No fair! You've been reading ahead in the script again!

WIN: Diabolical Sith Powers, man. Diabolical Sith Powers.


SCENE 2377
GNN Holostudios Newsroom

C3-D0: A sudden shift in the Sakkra Rha colony's planetary axis has resulted in a dramatic improvement in the environment. As we all know, major changes in a planet's environment - as for instance surrounding the beginning or end of an ice age - are inexplicable without some astronomical cause, whereas sudden shifts in a planetary axis - implying changes in angular momentum that would require the transfer of enough energy to set such a planet's entire atmosphere on fire - are purely routine, and therefore the most probable cause of any environmental change.

C3-D0: In related news, Dar Refsith of the Darloks has been vocally complaining about something called a pRNG, which may possibly be related to the Orion Force in some way. The faithful among the New Republic's leadership are patiently waiting for him to be struck by a bolt of lightning.


SCENE 2391
Office of DARK LORD DAR WIN OF THE SITH on the ninety sixth floor of the Imperial Tall Pointy Building, NIGHT. The DARK LORD is sitting at his desk while DAR REFSITH leans over his shoulder manipulating a holodisplay for him.

REFSITH: See, you just select the "compare techs" feature and...

WIN: Astonishing! I had no idea that feature was available! Now I don't need to beg my spymaster for his reports. Does this mean I can fire him?

REFSITH: I doubt it; where does he show up on payroll if he doesn't have a name?

WIN: Bah. Look, about that tech comparison. Of course we've reverse-engineered six new techs in the past fifteen years, including the vital new Improved Space Scanner this year, but it looks like those rebels still have a pretty big lead.

REFSITH: Particularly in ground combat technology, which is going to make pointy-stick research a bit of a challenge. But also notice the one computer tech we haven't managed to lift yet.

WIN: Yeah. RC3. In case they didn't have enough of a production edge already.

REFSITH: Hey, look on the bright side! Our main fleet should be at Reticuli in a couple of years, and the place should have a missile base finished by then! Then we'll finally destroy that Silicoid Monitor dreadnought that's been bombing away around ten million of our people every year since....

WIN: Yay.


SCENE 2399
Top Secret Imperial Darlok War Room. DARK LORD DAR WIN OF THE SITH and DAR REFSITH are both glaring at the Hologrpahic Map's Emergency Display.

WIN: Aren't Darloks supposed to be GOOD at spying? As of now, we're at computer tech parity with these rebel idiots. How did they manage to take out two of our missile bases at Firma?

DARSITH: Well, to be fair, we DO seem to be getting about five or ten tech hits for each of their successful sabotages. Like Robotic Controls two years ago and battle computer five just this year.

WIN: THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

DARSITH: Would it help if I found a way to fire your spymaster?

WIN: (grumbling) Probably.


SCENE 2403
Karaoke Bar, Night. DARK LORD DAR WIN OF THE SITH is concealed at a dark table in the corner. DAR REFSITH approaches him stealthily. In the background, a female voice is caterwauling. The words of her song are indistinguishable from grunts and screaming, but one may guess from the beat and instrumentals that she may be reproducing the original performance quite adequately.

REFSITH: So there you are! What are you doing at a Karaoke lounge at this time of night?

WIN: Inuring myself. A time will come when I must deal with Airguitar.

REFSITH: Well, I've got bad news. We didn't get enough fighters up to Dolz. Almost three quarters of the Mrrshan transports got through there.

WIN: From halfway across the galaxy? What were our fighters doing?

REFSITH: Repelling other rebel fleets. We're kind of swamped at the moment. Anyway, we outnumbered them about five to four, but it was a slaughter. Remember what you said about their ground combat edge? Well, it amounts to a 25 on the Bullux Scale right now. Battle suits with deflector shield generators like nothing we can build, and their ion rifles cut through armor way faster than our hand lasers. That makes one of their troops worth just about two of ours even when we're entrenched. Those transports that're supposed to hit Stalaz next year?

WIN: I hear you. We might as well just start planning the 80 million funerals right now. Nevertheless. You say the Mrrshans took Dolz from us?

REFSITH: From clear across the galaxy. Yeah.

WIN: Good. That will mean we have contact at last. One more target for our spies to hit.


SCENE 2406
Imperial Holonews Chamber. DARK LORD DAR WIN OF THE SITH and DAR REFSITH watch grimly as the broadcast begins.

REFSITH: Well, there goes Kronos.

WIN: That's indeed a serious setback ... but the planet's ultra-poor. And they have planetary shield technology - as, of course, after last year's success, do we. It's going to be a long time before they can assemble an actual missile base there. And in the meantime, they'll be using some of their ridiculous productivity to build factories. Dar RefSith, this may be a blow to our pride, there will come a day when the rock-heads wish they had never captured Kronos from me!

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Next: Return of the Jetty!

Imperium 33 - The Dark Side of Orion

So, I normally make my references to out-of-game stuff way more oblique than this, but Episthene sponsored this Imperium and (as his scenario description shows) preferred very direct references, so ... well, you'll see.

[In the fine tradition of recent Star Wars movies, the script for Star Wars 33: The Dark Side of Orion has altogether too many scenes, each of which runs altogether too long. Being that it's number 33 in the series, it might in fact be said to take this tendency rather to extremes. As such, I have cut out many of the extraneous bits. For instance, the first two thousand, two hundred and ninety nine scenes are all just background, filler, and toy-merchandizing. Truth be told, the same might be said of the parts I left in, but here goes anyway....]


Scene 2300
Corridor in the Human Rebel Palace, NIGHT. Windows line the corridor, looking out at the night sky, the stars drowned by the brilliant lights of Capital City, Sol 3. Striding purposefully down the corridor is KIRK AIRGUITAR. He does not look like a farm boy, though presumably he was one once upon a time. At present, he is a stern gentleman edging toward the elderly side of middle age; a discerning observer will quickly realize he is wearing a toupee. He is obviously in a cheerful mood, and not trying to hide it: He moves his lips and makes a series of noises as he walks. An exceptionally generous witness might call it singing.

AIRGUITAR: Buuuum-BUM-bum-ba-ba-BAAAAA-bum! Bum-ba-ba-BAAAAAA-bum! Bum-ba-ba-BUM!

ENTER a SCANTILY CLAD HAREM GIRL from an INTERIOR door. Her hair is not in buns at this time, but observers somewhat less discerning than those who spotted the toupee will nevertheless convince themselves that it was, presumably because whatever parts of her they may be looking at just now do not include her hair. She appears frightened and worried, and is pressing both palms up against her ears.

HAREM GIRL: Captain Kirk, what's going on? Are you dying? (She removes her hands from her ears as he stops singing)

AIRGUITAR: (Slightly taken aback) Dying? What? Are you kidding? I've just attended the launching ceremony for the new starships - and what's more, we have gained access to the legendary Orion Force! Before long, we will start receiving free technological advances handed down from on high by an undefined spiritual entity that will someday be inexplicably re-envisioned as a bunch of germs!

HAREM GIRL: But ... how do you know all this?

AIRGUITAR: The Orion Force is strong in me. Buuuuuuuum-BUM-bum-ba-ba...

HAREM GIRL: (Desperately, pressing her hands over her ears again) Help! Oh, help! There it is again!

AIRGUITAR: (Slightly nonplussed) Um, there what is?

HAREM GIRL: (Removing her hands) That noise that sounds like you're strangling to death on your own phlegm!

AIRGUITAR: (Blushing furiously) What, my singing?

HAREM GIRL: Oh. Is that what it is?

AIRGUITAR: ...

HAREM GIRL: ...

AIRGUITAR: ...

HAREM GIRL: Um, please let us celebrate this joyous occasion! The ... um, ships and Orion whatsit and things. Come and celebrate privately with me, in such a way as to make sure you forget all about this ... um, this incident just now.

AIRGUITAR: Whoa. Okay! Oh, wait. You aren't like secretly my sister or anything?

HAREM GIRL: (Looks at him aghast) The Orion Force forbid!

AIRGUITAR: Right. Just checking. You never can tell with these things. Cowabunga, baby!

HAREM GIRL: Yes. But let's go off-camera. This is supposed to be a family-friendly Imperium report.


SCENE 2326
Windswept, sandy desert, DAY. It is noon on the surface of the planet Firma, which is a desert world in the same sense that a cartoon of a circular beach inhabited by two shipwrecked sailors and a coconut tree is a desert island. Rolling dunes extend to the uncomfortably near horizon. In the background, an Imperial factory city is assembling yet more factories with the help of numerous unusually tall JAWAS, in their usual cowled hoods, but with oddly red-tinted, slit-like eyes. Nearby, a smaller group of JAWAS standing atop a sand dune includes one in a bright red cloak with a metallic sheen. We zoom in on the red-cloaked JAWA, and hear the distinctive sound of artificially-assisted breathing. It is DAR WIN, DARK LORD OF THE SITH, addressing his GROVELLING ADVISORS.

WIN: (His deep, rich, powerful voice appears completely unimpeded by whatever apparatus assists his breathing.) Is that the best your miserable planet can do? My base of operations in the sector completed its factory infrastructure two years ago, and is already assembling my first Sith Lander!

GROVELLING ADVISOR #1: If you please, your Dark Lordship, we had to start from scratch 24 years ago with just two million imperial slaves. These genetically modified Jawas are incredibly slow workers and...

WIN: (His voice a dangerous warning) Darloks. DAR-loks! They are named for their service to the Sith!

GROVELLING ADVISOR #2: Yes, your Dark Lordship. And I'm sure they have amazing hidden talents that will be revealed sometime around Scene 2337, but the fact remains that this planet is a little piece of Sith.

WIN: You have no idea. Just wait until 2471.

(All the GROVELLING ADVISORS exchange nervous glances. None of them are ever comfortable when DAR WIN uses his amazing Sith powers - and/or reads ahead in the script - to predict the future.)

WIN: Fear not - we shall have better planets soon enough ... but you shall remain here on this one.

(All the GROVELLING ADVISORS gasp with horror.)

GROVELLING ADVISOR #1: (Sputtering) But your Dark Lordship, that stinks like Bantha Podu! Besides, how will you even know where to send your Sith Lander? You scrapped our only scouts before they left your base of operations, and you haven't built any since!

WIN: Do not underestimate the Dark Side.

(DAR REFSITH flies in from the direction of the city, piloting an IMPERIAL SKYCYCLE. He looks just like all the other cloaked and hooded JAWA/DARLOKS, except that his eyes glow like yellow orbs instead of red slits. The camera lingers on his skycycle for an unnecessarily long time in hopes of selling more KirkasArts Skycycle Action Figure Accessories at $44.95 apiece.)

REFSITH: (Leaping dramatically from his IMPERIAL SKYCYCLE, whose action figure features dramatic rider-leaping/ejector-launching action, just $44.95, DAR REFSITH action figure not included) Lord Win! There's an urgent call for you on the holotransmitter!

GROVELLING ADVISOR #2: Maybe it's the Emperor. Maybe he's reconsidered that policy that forbids scientific research of any kind to be performed for any reason.

WIN: Not the Emperor. I have not sensed his attention here. Besides, he is still convinced that emulating the rebels by totally forgoing actual research is the only way to control the Orion Force.

REFSITH: Yeah; the holocall's from one of those rebel scum. The one who looks like a giant pile of rocks.

WIN: We meet at last. I shall take the call at once in my holo-chamber, which exactly resembles the Holochamber Play Set available from KirkasArts for just $159.99, Lord Dar Win action figure not included.

WIN: I see Geode controls five star systems already. Obviously the Orion Force is with ... it. We may be forbidden to do independent research into new technologies, but there's no law against our forces reverse-engineering the technologies the rebels are sent from Orion ... and then, by analyzing them via the scientific method, coming to understand them better than the rebel fools themselves!

(Low-register rumblings of doom emphasize the danger to the rebel forces since writer/director Jorge T. Kirkas is incapable of doing so via dialogue or scene-setting.)


SCENE 2331
Imperial Holochamber, NIGHT

The holodisplay terminal is off, and DAR WIN, DARK LORD OF THE SITH sits facing DAR REFSITH. The sound of WIN'S assisted breathing device can be heard throughout the scene.

WIN: That was the Sakkra rebel leader. He says resistance is futile. I thought that was the Meklar's line.

REFSITH: Well, the Meklar never made it to the Orion sector.

WIN: He's got a two-planet empire, including that ultra-poor ocean world right on our doorstep that he just colonized this year. He has no right to bluster about anything more ambitious than the smell of his own socks.

REFSITH: Probably it's an inferiority complex. Anyway, we only have three stars ourselves.

WIN: So far.

REFSITH: Didn't the Alkari have like four when we met them last year? I noticed you setting up a small trade package with them to put them off their guard. And didn't that holodroid, C3-D0, say the Silicoids were out to six systems some three years back? And wasn't their sixth world that ultra-rich inferno world of Arietis, for that matter?

WIN: I believe I said, "SO FAR!" We shall have MORE than three stars shortly, and the Sakkra shall have less than two! Kronos will be an important stepping stone for us until we can steal range tech from somebody - and I have transports and TREE Fighters on the way to take it from the scaly rebels immediately!

REFSITH: ... Tree Fighters?

WIN: Twin REtro Engines.

REFSITH: ...oh.



REFSITH: You realize we're never going to acquire Ion Engines before we conquer the sector or get wiped out by the rebels, right?

WIN: Please shut up.


SCENE 2336
Small island, NIGHT. An island city on the vast ocean world of Kronos overlooks the scene of battle. LORD DAR WIN OF THE SITH and DAR REFSITH are comteplating it critically. A variety of water combat craft, both rebel and imperial, are lighting up the night sky as their hulls slowly burn and sink. A large number of Imperial craft remain. All of the craft involved in the battle are available as action figure accessories from KirkasArts at various prices; collect the whole set!

WIN: Now that's more like it. The conquest of Kronos proceeded exactly according to plan - and since Obaca is both a useful stepping stone, a valuable terran world in its own right, and a colony of those accursed Silicoid rebels who won't even establish trade with me, it shall be my next target!

REFSITH: That's three things.

WIN: (Spins on him and glares with his glowing red eyes) What?!

REFSITH: (Counts on his gloved fingers) Useful, valuable, Silicoid. That's three things. You can't say "both" unless you're talking about exactly two.

WIN: Are you sure you're not expendable, Dar Refsith?

REFSITH: Pretty sure.


SCENE 2341
Secret Underground Reverse-Engineering Laboratory. Various pieces of scientific equipment clearly labeled, "Not for Scientific Research" are scattered around the windowless room. LORD DAR WIN OF THE SITH is leaning on a large microscope while DAR REFSITH sits back in a chair and rubs his eyes with his gloved fists.

WIN: (With satisfaction) It will serve. That's five.

REFSITH: Let's see. Hand lasers four years ago, a battle computer two years back, deuterium fuel last year, and now these terraforming hybrids, all from the 'coids. An ECM Jammer last year from the birdies, which no doubt helped land this one. Yup, apparently you can count. How many spies have we lost picking these little gems up?

WIN: Who cares? We can replace them. They're only Darloks. Also, you just dangled a preposition at me.

REFSITH: I apologized for correcting your language. Fifty-seven times now! And that was five years ago!

WIN: (Looks smug) Anyway, it's nowhere near what we just lost at Obaca. 37 million Darloks died with 20 million of the rocks. And we didn't get ANY tech out of THAT!

REFSITH: Of course, there were only three factories on the entire planet....


SCENE 2354
Arid Plains, DAY. Thick, grey clouds cover the sky as a SITHLANDER COLONY SHIP neatly dissassembles itself in the background, its components becoming living quarters for its two million Darlok inhabitants on the surface of arid Crypto. Needless to say, the KirkasArts Sithlander Play Set turns into its own star cruiser carrying case. Also needless to say, though DARK LORD DAR WIN OF THE SITH and a DARLOK SOLDIER look over the scene from a nearby hillock, their respective action figures are not included in the Play Set's $389.94 price tag.

WIN: This is a marked improvement. These Darloks may amount to something yet. It's been five years since my spies lifted anything, but the Silicoids' improvements on their industrial technology should help get this planet off the ground.

SOLDIER: I'm sure they'll steal something else soon, your dark lordship.

WIN: Maybe. Probably something useless and obsolete - like those hydrogen fuel cells they took from the Alkari.

SOLDIER: Um ... um, your dark lordship, that was eleven years ago. And at least it helps with miniaturization.

WIN: The Sith have long memories. See that you don't forget it. In fact ... wait, what's this? A call from Farseer? I'll take it on my portable transponder.

WIN: ... Well, I'm glad I didn't take the trouble to go to my holochamber for that. It appears we are at war with the Alkari now.

SOLDIER: But ... but your dark lordship, that makes it UNANIMOUS! That's EVERYONE we KNOW!

WIN: Yes. They are rebels after all. Also, they keep making alliances with each other for no reason and refuse to break them when I ask. It's almost like they're part of a ... a....

SOLDIER: A rebel alliance, your dark lordship?

WIN: (Nodding) Almost as if.


SCENE 2361
Imperial Holonews Chamber. The main news holodisplay is blank and silent. LORD DAR WIN OF THE SITH and DAR REFSITH are sprawled carelessly in viewing seats, chatting amiably.

REFSITH: I trust the new Tree Interceptors are coming along?

WIN: The first should take to the skies next year. With their new battle computers equipped, ready to take on the Alkari. As for the Sakkra, one of my spies penetrated to Phantos earlier today. We now have the plans for barren colony bases.

REFSITH: And the 'Coids?

WIN: What of them? They have rocks for brains.

REFSITH: They also have lots of planets, a big starfleet, superior weapons and shields....

WIN: (Ignores him, sitting up to glare at the holodisplay) When is that idiotic holodroid going to make its appearance?

REFSITH: C3-D0? It's hard to say. Anyway, there should be some kind of news, since we got that dispensation to do research at Kronos last year.

WIN: No dispensation was given. It's not research by the Emperor's definition. No new technology. Just an engineering project. Ah - there's the holodroid now.

REFSITH: Ten research points, huh? Yeah, that'll be hard to come by in five years. (Chuckle) You know, I hope you're right about the Emperor's definition. I'm going to feel really foolish if the other Sith lords complain that they had to let supernovas blow up stars in their sectors because the Emperor wouldn't permit them to design solar rejuvenators.

WIN: If you don't feel really foolish already, your Sith senses are lacking in discernment. In any case, our rejuvenator will be finished next year, at the same time we colonize Guradas.

REFSITH: (Grumbling) About Guradas...

WIN: Hold that thought. We're receiving a diplomatic call. We may as well receive it here.

The holodisplay comes to life, REVEALING GEODE, THE SILICOID REBEL LEADER.

GEODE: Hail mighty Emperor Dar Win. I bear greetings from the most wise Geode of the Silicoids.

WIN: I am not the Emperor, rebel. I am merely his representative. Pray you do not draw his personal attention to yourself.

REFSITH: You may well be the most wise Geode of the Silicoids ... but just how many Geodes do the Silicoids have? And are any of them wise?

GEODE: Do you still wish to suffer more? The Silicoids see no need to continue hostilities. Let us agree to peace.

WIN: (Looking at DAR REFSITH) You were asking about the Silicoids?

REFSITH: Well I'll be. I guess we may as well accept.

WIN: We do so.

GEODE: Excellent. (His holo-image fades out of existence)

REFSITH: We weren't in a position to attack them at this point anyway. (Shakes his head) Now, Guradas. This sector has got to be approaching saturation. One more colony might push it to the two-thirds mark for inhabited systems. Can we take that risk?

WIN: With Geode at peace? Certainly we can.

REFSITH: Uh-huh. And what if he comes up for election against us? Or what if it's that Airguitar guy? Even if Durash IV is officially the one running, everyone would probably vote for him. And we've got the Alkari and Sakkra guaranteed to vote for anyone who makes Darlok extermination a central platform plank. You've joked about a rebel alliance, but can you imagine what would happen if all these rebels really formed an alliance, and collaborated against us together?

WIN: You lack faith in the Dark Side.

REFSITH: ...

WIN: Don't let the Emperor learn of it.

REFSITH: ...?

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Next: The Rebels Strike Back!